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Valuable Insight with Nonpopulist: Titans vs. Vikings

Welcome to something that is KIND OF like an Acting Cordial column where we preview the upcoming game with a blogger from the opposing team, except this mouth breather that is a huge Titans fan isn't strictly a Titans blogger, nor is he a part of the Bloguin network which is so revered. Also, being right from Tennessee, I would assume he always smells like bourbon and hair gel, which honestly is kind of turning me on right now. Regardless, he was kind enough to answer some of our questions about the Tennessee Titans and Minnesota Vikings game this weekend, so let's so him a hint of decorum and read through his dribble. On to the questions!

Hi, this is Phillip. You may remember me from from such now defunct websites as nonpopulist.com, thegallyblog.com, and edge.newledger.com. You probably don't, though. I'm a Titans fan and since I seem to be the only one PJD knows [Ed. Note - Kind of true, but not really] he asked if I would answer a few questions about the Titans as a prelude to our two teams playing each other this weekend. You can follow me on twitter at www.twitter.com/nonpopulist if ya nasty.

Jake Locker Titans

Purple Jesus Diaries: Cool story, "Phillip," now can we quit talking all about you? Onto the questions. Why were you (and you're team, I GUESS) too stupid to realize that Jake Locker was a horrible quarterback coming out of college? You have now pinned all of your hopes and dreams on his weak arm to lead your franchise, and you would have been better off with Blaine Gabbert. Right? Or am I way off? I don't give a shit either way.

Nonpopulist: I honestly don't think Jake Locker is horrible. Look at who we have to compare him to. The Titans suffered through Vince Young, like hot mustard squirted up your urethra 16 weeks out of the year suffered. Locker is our quarterback of the future, but Matt Hasselbeck has looked better in the relief for Locker this season. Lets stick that bun in the oven for another season, shall we? I don't mind Blaine Gabbert. I like when Titans' divisional opponents have horrible crap sandwiches for quarterbacks. Here's an interesting anecdote. In the first draft of the script for Jerry Lewis' "The Nutty Professor" the professor's name was Blaine Gabbert. What a stupid name. Shouldn't he be inventing flubber and never pleasing a woman?


Matt Hasselbeck Titans
 

PJD: Is puss-bag gonna play on Sunday, or do we get to watch Matt Hasselbeck lose more hair with every sack he takes?

NP: I assume by puss-bag you mean Locker. Locker won't play this week. The team will hide behind the "we're just being cautious with him" line of regurgitated NFL BS, but they really want to see how Hasselbeck will do. I think Mike Munchak is a dolt who would try to plug in an ethernet cable by hitting it with a hammer, but he can probably see Jake is not quite ready yet. If Matt plays well he will have a reason to stay with him over Locker for the rest of this season. They may even throw in an injured reserve smoke screen for Locker so he can save face. It seems like Hasselbeck would have heard about Rogaine, but there he still is with a big dumb bald head. What are you gonna, huh? Fugedaboutit.

PJD: Remember when you had Randy Moss for a while? What was that like? Cool? Was he a shit head? I still think he's cool.

NP: I do remember being when the Titans had Moss for a brief period. I remember Titan Nation being amped up too. We all gave ourselves hernias from trying to contain the excitement. The only problem was neither the offensive coordinator nor the offensive play caller ever heard he was on the team. Players were probably suggesting plays for Randy Moss and the offensive coaching staff was like, "Randy Moss? Ha, we don't have Randy Moss. What do you think this is? One of your football video games?" Stop for a moment and think of the people who bought Randy Moss Titans jerseys. Now laugh at those poor fools. I have to add Nick Kroll did a Randy Moss's dog character for the Sklarboro Country podcast a few times that was pure gold. He critiqued food a lot since Moss was noted as saying he wouldn't have the fed the food served at the Vikings' facility to his dog. It was funny. Check the archives.

Chris Johnson Titans


PJD: Chris Johnson is like a human dildo, butt-blasting my fantasy team this year. Could you slit his achilles for me so I'd have a reason not to start him? Or at the very least tell me why he sucks so bad so I can rationalize it?

NP: Chris Johnson is NOT a human dildo. That would be a penis anyway. No, he's more like a human vibrator. Have you seen the way his head is always beboping around like a bobble-head doll. I wonder why no one ever acknowledges his obvious tic. I'm going to do you a favor and tell you to never start Chris Johnson again. He is done. DONE. I have him on my dynasty league team and at this point I would trade him away for Owen Daniels or Cedric Benson. DO NOT be fooled by last week's 100 yard rushing game. The team will not come to terms with the fact we have bad players on our offensive line and the blocking schemes are not working because Tennessee has run the same running plays for 6 years and they never put anything different on film so everyone knows what is going to happen when they run.

PJD: Were you an Oilers fan originally, or how did you become a Titans fan? Geography? Parents? Love Elvis? I do love the Oiler unis, however. Pure NFL gold.

NP: I was not an Oilers fan. I became a fan of the team when they moved to Tennessee, the land of my birth and life for my first 18 years. You have to understand it was a big freaking deal when Houston Oilers moved to Tennessee and became the Tennessee Oilers for a brief period and then later the Titans (Tennessee Tits for short.) They were the first pro sports team to come to the state and there was never any other choice in my mind but to be a Titans fan for life.

PJD: What were your expectations heading into the season? Did you anticipate a 1-3 start? 1-4 start, because the Vikings are obviously going to win? Are your expectations such that you are dumb enough to believe they can still be reached?

NP: The talk going into the first quarter of the season was how hard are first four games were going to be. Boy, were they ever right about that one. I was cautiously hopeful we would be 1-3 to start the season and here we are. It's better than 0-4, amirite? I hoped we would be competing for the division with the Texans this year, but it looks like we'll instead be slipping on a banana peel and hurting our non-throwing shoulder and vagina and not getting anywhere near the playoffs. My season record prediction right now is 8-8 with a big ol' mouthfart after it.

Andrew Luck


PJD: How upset were you when you finally realized that the Colts were going to transition from Peyton Manning to Andrew Luck? I would have thought they deserved to be a shittier team for a while, but here they are with a bright future right away. Not fair. Are they going to be able to achieve a rebuild quicker than you? Is it pretty much the Texans and everyone else in your division?

NP: I'm not happy the Colts drafted Andrew Luck. I'm really not happy with the way he talks. Try to imagine him talking dirty to a girl with that cadence. Has a vagina ever yawned before? It doesn't surprise me the Colts were able to transition well from one franchise qb to another with seeming finesse because they're a professionally run sports franchise. It's not fair because they shouldn't just have a shitty team for three seasons. Everyone in the state of Indiana should have to eat shit for how good their team has been with Peyton Manning. Suck a veiny black dildo, Colts fans!

PJD: Which player do you hate the most on offense that could potentially harm the Vikings but likely won't? How COULD the Titans win the game offensively against the Vikings?

NP: Which player do I hate most on offense? Every offensive lineman besides Steve Hutchinson and Michael Roos. If they are able to block defenders we may have a chance of winning. That's a big ass if, though.

PJD: Same thing – Which defensive player do you hate with a burning passion? Will the defense step up and stop the Vikings or will the purple find a way to beat them? How?

NP: The defensive player(s) I hate the most is/are the secondary, specifically Michael Griffin. He can't tackle. He can't cover. He has trouble getting in his room at the team hotel on the road. The defense will most likely not step up on the road. Sorry, but the Vikings will be forced to beat themselves.


PJD: Vikings win! Right? How do you see the game playing out, and what's your final score prediction?

NP: Titans win, bitch. You think I'm going to predict your team will win the game? All the crap I just whined about is nothing compared to how crappy the Vikings are. I thank Alanis Morissette everyday I'm not a Vikings fan. The game will be a back and forth turnover fest until the Vikings defense lays down in the 4th quarter and lets Matt Hasselbeck throw a go ahead touchdown to Kendall Wright. Titans win 27-20.

——

How cute, Titans fan. Now, gag your mouth, we're going in dry. Thanks, Nonpopulist!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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