shirtless chris kluwe 005

Vikings 2012 Bye Week: A Masturbatory Weekend Preview

Percy Harvin

Vikings Bye Week? Time for a Boat Party!
Alright everyone, this might single handily be the best weekend of Vikings football all year long. "What?! That's crazy talk!" you may say if you're stupid. But you're stupid, because you don't realize that this is the one weekend all year long where we are guaranteed NOT TO LOSE! And sure, we may not win as a franchise, but we can all win INDIVIDUALLY. You know, go out and see "Skyfall" if you haven't. Eat some ice cream at Izzy's if you need a sweet indulgence. Masturbate. Twice. Men and women alike. YOU DESERVE IT. Because there's nothing else going on this weekend besides football between teams you only marginally care about thanks to your 5-5 fantasy football squad. 

So enjoy yourselves. Just because the Vikings aren't playing this weekend, it doesn't mean there isn't anything to do. In fact, there's LOTS to do, and we have you covered in this week's Bye Week Preview. So let's get to it. Touching is accepted.

Nebraska Minnesota

What Football SHOULD You Watch?
Again, just because there is no VIKINGS football on this week doesn't mean there isn't ANY football on that's not worth watching. Personally, I've always been more of a college football fan anyway, so let me use my much larger brain and describe to you some of the noteworthy match ups for you to enjoy this weekend. First and foremost, Minnesota fans will likely offer a passing interest in the Nebraska and Minnesota Gophers game. I say passing because there are like 10 Gopher football fans in the world, and because those 10 seem to assume that the Gopher team is going to get their ass handed to them by Nebraska. They will, no doubt, but as a Nebraska fan who hates my team, let me give you Golden Morons a bit of advice – If you convert at least two of the inevitable five turnovers that Nebraska will gift you, put a spy on Taylor Martinez at quarterback, and run more plays with MarQueis Gray at quarterback, and you can probably sneak out a win. Sounds dumb? Keep in mind Nebraska turns the ball over like it's Obama handing out gifts to poor people, Martinez is a sociopath, and Nebraksa's defense treats mobile quarterbacks like Cthulhu. RUN AWAY!! You put a drop back passer back there and you're toast. 

In other games, the USC and UCLA may be interesting, as will be cheering against Notre Dame EVERY week (they play Wake Forest this week), with the highlight likely being Oregon and Stanford. If Stanford wins, that means Notre Dame is likely in for the National Championship game if they win out, and we just can't have that. If you're looking at the NFL tilt, the Lions may essentially be left for dead if the Packers beat them when they play on Sunday, and the Bears may come back to the "Pack" (puns!) if they lose to the 49ers on Monday night. Both of those could be beneficial to the Vikings' playoff chances, so at least now you have some rooting interests. 

Chicken Tacos

Let's Cook!
Each year during the bye week I offer up on of PJD's classic menu items so you may stop being a human waste and maybe impress your significant other with a meal that involves more than Lucky Charms and milk. Last year we featured the Bacon Egg Muffins (BOMB!), with White People Chicken and Waffles and the famous Pico de Gallo coming in years before that. This year we're offering Chipotle Corn Chicken Tacos which, I'll be honest, I made once or twice a while ago and kind of forgot about, so I'm going to give you measurements and stuff, but really I'm just spit balling. They'll end up looking kind of like the picture above, but not exactly. That's all I could find. Essentially, just do your best. Here we go:

WHAT NEED:
- 2 Chicken Breasts, cleaned
- 1 can Chipotle Peppers
- 1/2 pound of frozen sweet corn (Alternate 2 ears of fresh sweet corn if in season, or you're a farmer)
- 1 Red Onion
- 1 bunch of Cilantro
- Feta cheese
- 2 limes
- Bag of corn tortillas
- Salt and Pepper to taste, don't be a bitch
- Taco sauce of choice (Tabasco, Frank's Red Hot, Other Mexican Shit)
- OPTIONAL: Cherry tomatoes, avocados, other taco shit, but don't go rogue. Keep the flavors basic, people.

WHAT DO:
Pretty easy. Clean your chicken and set it aside on a plate. Open up the can of Chipotle peppers and dice those small, almost into a paste (WITH A CLEAN KNIFE, DUMMY!). Save like half a tablespoon for the corn. With the rest, rub this paste on the chicken, and cook the chicken somehow. Grill, saute, bake (don't do that), whatever. Once cooked, shred the chicken by using two forks to pull the meat apart. While cooking the chicken, take care of the corn. If it's frozen garbage, toss it in a pan (no boiling in water, we're not poor people) and heat it up. Add the remaining chipotle pepper paste, a bit of salt and pepper, and the juice from one lime. Cook that up until soft or charred, if you're grilling. Cut your red onion into thin slices. Heat your tortilla's up somehow. I prefer in a stove top pan so they get a little burnt (or on a flat top), or in the microwave will do if you feel like being an asshole. When ready, put the tortillas on a plate, add the chicken as the base layer, add the corn, onion, Cilantro leaves, feta cheese, squeeze some more lime juice on top, and other taco ingredients as needed. EAT AND LOVE LIFE.

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A Random Collection of Songs:
I have been in a bit of a music rut lately, meaning, I'll put songs that are all over the board. While at work, I've gotten heavy into music without lyrics, because if I'm listening to Ghostface talking about getting his knob sucked, I'm afraid I'll put that in an email to someone, and that'd be terrible. But, I do listen to Ghostface and Nas riding home, stuck in rush hour, because it prevents me from wanting to murder my face. So in that vein, here are a random collection of songs to get you through the day. Feel free to share your recent interests in the comments:

Nas – "Nasty"
Thievery Corporation – "Web of Deception"
Justice – "Genesis"
Prince – "Erotic City" (Closest I could find since Prince won't put shit on YouTube, dick)
Michael Haggins – "Daybreak" (For my Community Fans)

Dolan Comic

Dolan of the Week:
Holy shit. This is like a perfect marriage of trolling. I don't know if the younger kids who happen across this blog accidentally even remember The Far Side comics, but they were like the original meme humor resource. Gary Larson is a bad, bad, sick, awesome man. This was one of the funnier ones that people loved, where there was a duck just sitting in a skyscraper window watching this guy afraid of ducks watching him. Self fulfilling prophecy? Well, truth be told, nothing is as scary as finding out that Dolan was the duck watching you this whole time. You can't see it, but you can pretty much assume that he's creeping behind that window tugging on his little duck nugget while watching you. Then he's going to "accidentally run into you" on the street outside both buildings and try to shake your hand, when it's full of his seed. Sick, Dolan, god.

Laphroaig 10 year

Scotch of the Week:
No new scotch's from my notes again this week, because I've been a horrible, neglectful person, but I know I've tried (or somehow became familiar with) Laphroaig scotch before, so for my own benefit we're going to familiarize ourselves with the Laphroaig 10 year this week. It's a Highland scotch, which are my favorites because of the complexity in heather, peat, floral notes, and sometimes a sweet hint from the sherry or bourbon casks they are aged in. Scotch reviewer "For Peats Sake" mentions this one looks light, but packs a punch. It's a soft hay color, and so it tricks you into thinking it's not a complex scotch. You taste it and it feels light, but then you start to actually TASTE IT and all of a sudden it feels like someone shot a salty load into your throat. And you know what? I like that. Notes of brine, peat, smoke, and numbing sensations are all noted, along with just bits of vanilla at the end. Pair it with a cigar and all of a sudden you're like the coolest son of a bitch in the world. Go pick up a bottle and impress all your friends. 

Shirtless Viking of the Week:
If you've been living under a rock recently, you've probably failed to hear that Vikings punter Chris Kluwe was named SEXIEST MAN OF 2012 by Salon.com, or magazine, or whatever it is that they do. Kluwe has been taking all of this recognition in stride, and subsequently posted the above photo to his Twitter account as a way to laugh about how "sexy" he really is. Well, jokes on him because this is exactly the kind of sex appeal people want! Breakfast cereal, finely lacquered wooden table, smart phone at a hands reach … ALLURING! Anyway, this image has obviously been added to the Shirtless Vikings photo gallery, and when taking this into consideration, Kluwe has been running away with Shirtless Vikings of the Year award. If only Greg Childs hadn't been injured …

Adrian Peterson Smiling

Bye Week Predictions:
Just because we're on a bye week doesn't mean there isn't anything to predict. If you follow any Vikings players on Twitter, you have probably been seeing mention of a lot of them getting the hell out of town since Minnesota has been hit with the beginnings of winter in the past couple of weeks. Can't say that I blame them. So where are they all going to? While we know where SOME are going to, I'm going to take a stab at predicting where others will end up. If you see a mention of it somewhere, return and let us know in the comments so we can be proven right or wrong (but probably wrong). Here we go:

- Adrian Peterson will likely be heading to Heaven for a quick family visit over Thanksgiving
- Percy Harvin will make the trip to Denver, because YOU KNOW
- Phil Loadholt will travel to Tokyo, coinciding with reports of Godzilla's return
- John Sullivan will take his beard into the North Woods and cut down trees for Christmas
- Christian Ponder will head to Florida so he can get some place warm enough to take his shirt off
- Antoine Winfield is flying to Transylvania so he may rest in his casket and hold on to eternal life
- Toby Gerhart is heading to the nearest McDonald's to play in a ball pit

Did we miss any? Probably not. Either way, enjoy your "time off" this weekend. Even though there is still more football going on and future Vikings games to play in the coming weeks, take this opportunity for a short reprieve, because shit is about to get ugly from here on out. Our schedule is brutal coming up, and we may have seen all the wins we're allowed to in 2012. Treasure those, and pretend the season is over with already. Or, prepare yourself for salty tears in the coming weeks.

See you Monday.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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