In a move that shouldn’t surprise anyone because the guy is clearly a Muslim and has the first name of KNOWN TERRORISTS AND DICTATORS, Minnesota Vikings safety Husain Abdullah has taken a “leave of absence” from the NFL to focus all of his energies on being a terrorist. Or something like that.
“Yeah, he came to us this week and let us know that he was taking a year off from football with hopes to return in 2013 to a team,” said Vikings Head Coach Leslie Frazier after Abdullah alerted the team about his decision. “Him and his brother are taking some time for something called a ‘Ramadan,’ which I’m pretty sure is a 12-month intensive army training to learn how to duct tape dynamite to your chest and run onto buses in busy city areas or something. Which doesn’t make any sense of why he thinks he is going to come back to the NFL after that, but I’m not a terrorist, so what do I know.”
Trouble has always seemed to follow Abdullah throughout his time with the Vikings. Like that time when he responsibly drove home by himself from a bar without drinking but didn’t taxi around the rest of his friends who had been because he knew he needed a solid eight hours of sleep that night to be at his very best the next day. SOMEONE COULD HAVE DIED, YOU SELFISH TOWEL HEAD. Or that time when he refused to catch an interception because he didn’t want to draw undo attention to himself because he’s a humble murderer, probably.
When asked for comment, Abdullah said, “What are you, a moron? Honestly, I’ve explained this to you people like a thousand times; it’s a pacifistic religion when correctly followed and I’m not a terrorist, OK? Being Muslim doesn’t mean you’re a terrorist. You look German, I guess you hate Jews and are a Nazi, you stupid Minnesota? I hate this place.”
A follow up question was asked, being, “What do you mean, ‘You people?’” without a response. We will update this article if one is given in the near future.
Regardless, it’s a sad end to an NFL career that was spectacularly unspectacular, in that Abdullah kind of just happened into starting on a terrible team and suffered because of circumstance, much like everyone is assuming innocent civilians will suffer through haphazard circumstance because of his assumed terrorist actions, because we didn’t bother to do any real research on what Ramadan means because it’s different and scares us.
Now hold on, we need to go talk to former Vikings head coach Norman Van Brocklin to see how we should best protect ourselves against this new threat.
*Satire! No one said any of this and obviously Abdullah isn’t a terrorist, although I’ve heard some stupid Vikings fans make comments otherwise, which is who this ridiculous article focuses on today. Anyway, best of luck to the Abdullah brothers. This is actually a very admirable move from a professional athlete.