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Vikings vs. Seahawks: PJD’s Masturbatory Game Nine Preview

Back From the Dead or the Walking Dead? I suppose that is the main question for this week. Despite the hot start for the entire team, in recent weeks we've seen the defense start leaking a little bit out their rectum, and the offense stall worse than a Sandusky trial hearing. We can point fingers all we want at Christian Ponder slowing EVERYTHING down, but the truth of the matter is that it's all intertwined. Yes, the offense has been ugly for about three games straight, but before that they were playing well within themselves and looking impressive. What's changed since then? We've added John Carlson (sometimes) and even Jerome Simpson (sometimes), so if anything the team should just be getting better. Instead, they've looked as weak as me after a shot of Jager. Are teams adjusting to the offense? Have the Vikings now adjusted, too, and are ready to show some new wrinkles in Seattle? Or will the Vikings be Scoreless in Seattle (I just came up with that one myself!)?

We'll find out as the Vikings and Seahawks kick off a late afternoon game this Sunday. Let's hope we turn this thing around. If we don't, we'll all just be digging our own GRAVES!!! … Is it too late for Halloween puns? Shoot.

Thanks to KILLERCHEF from Rube Chat for another great game day preview graphic!

Seattle

My Seattle Story: When I was in college my freshman year, I gathered a couple of bro-bros and took a Spring Break trip out to Seattle. We were broke, stupid, and drove my car along the 94/90 corridor form Minneapolis to Seattle. We stopped in Bozeman to stay with some friends and then drove through Idaho (which was DUMB) and made our way on to Seattle. Our plan was to eat at as many Perkins as we could along the way, on the cheap, and stay at a hostel called the "Green Tortoise" or something in Seattle. I was pretty excited. For some reason growing up, I had always thought Seattle was an AWESOME city, one I forever wanted to visit. By the time I got there on this trip, I was ridiculously disappointed. We drove into downtown, found this shit hole hostel (which was right next to the Northwestern Deja Vu type strip club) and decided we weren't staying. We walked around the Space Needle (which is a huge disappointment … Looks like a Disneyland cheap piece of plastic), and debated staying at the rapiest motel on the north hill of town that you've ever seen before saying "Screw this" and heading south to Portland to visit some other family I had. Seattle was a total bust. I returned years later and still can't get over how much the entire city seems like a Cape Cod town in the 1800's. Also? Pike Place Market is way overrated. Stop taking your picture in front of it.

Russell Wilson

So Many Things to Hate About the Seahawks: If that didn't make you hate Seattle (or hate me) enough as it is, let's try some actual football related items instead. Let's start at the top, shall we? Their owner, Paul Allen (not our Paul Allen, although you may dislike him as well and it won't bother me any), is a huge bag of fleshy dick. He's owner of the Portland Trailblazers as well, who also suck, and is a whiny vomit baby when it comes to most anything. He's also co-owner of Microsoft, so clearly he's smart, but that doesn't mean he's not a bitch. He hired former USC head coach Pete Carroll, who needs to stop being everyone's bro and act like an adult for ONCE. Their quarterback is Russell Wilson, former Wisconsin Badger, and also Dwarf-extra in the upcoming Hobbit movie. He has a crazy/hot wife, and that freaks me out. Also, Golden Tate, hailing from Minnesota, is also a Seahawk, but he's also a huge dong blaster and never should have been credited with that touchdown against the Packers, even though it clearly worked in our favor. Also, the whole "12th Man" thing that the fans work under is bullshit, since those jack offs at Texas A&M do it better, anyway. Finally, just look at their god damn uniforms. RRAAAGGGEEE!!! I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW, and I didn't even get to mentioning Sidney Rice or Darrel Bevel. Think about that.

Chris Kluwe

Get a Kluwe: In case you've been avoiding the topic for fear that action would be taken and you would openly weep in your cubicle, the Vikings tried out a punter this week in an effort to play a little cat and mouse and put some pressure on Kluwe to perform better this season. He's apparently performing poorly? Because so far he's averaging 43.8 yards per punt, instead of his career average 44.3, and his long of the season (59 yards) is one yard short of his long from last season (60 yards). YUP, makes total sense. Anyway, this try out brought all the political mafiosos out of the woodwork this week as well, claiming that Kluwe is probably distracted from all his other endeavors, like campaigning against the gay marriage bill, playing concerts with his band Tripping Icarus, and still finding time for killing noobs in video games. HE DOESN'T TAKE THE GAME SERIOUS ENOUGH, GIVE ME A MILLION DOLLARS AND I'D PLAY HARDER THAN HE EVER WOULD, is what the morons say. I don't have anything really to address this beyond saying these people criticizing him for being a well rounded individual with multiple interests should all die in a napalm blast, but I'm probably just being "blinded" by the "liberal media" or something, while these people work in their little desks five days a week and TOTALLY love everything about THEIR job too. MORE RRAAGGGEEE!!!

Dolan Comic

Dolan of the Week: Dolan offers you a trick or treat this week, as he comes at Gooby trying to surprise him with a little sexual raep, when in fact he actually just wants to offer him a tasty and delicious pear. And actually raep. Whichever. I think I like this one because it's a little meta in a sense, like the Dolan comic has become self aware and is screwing with you. Always a nice twist.

Tomatin 12 year

Scotch of the Week: My wife and I have had one of her friends from out of town staying with us occasionally this fall as she wraps up school at the U of M. Some weeks it's just one night, others it's three nights in a row. Despite the fact that she's a Packers fan, I haven't been tempted to stab her in her sleep yet, and her actions this week aren't about to speed that up. That's because she bought me a bottle of Tomatin 12 year as a "thank you" for the hospitality. I was a welcome surprise, and even better because it ended up being tasty scotch. I hadn't had this before, and found it to be a nice drink. It's a nice mix of malty and fruity, as it's aged in a Sherry cask, and brings a typical Highland flavor to it. Nuts, malt, and even stewed apples help round it out. The finish isn't too overpowering (like a female wrestler?) but offers just enough kick to make it interesting. Doesn't linger too long (unlike that ex-girlfriend, JESUS), and is easy enough to drink. Recommended if you find it. 

Adrian Peterson Hulk

Shirtless Viking of the Week: Since we have one Halloween picture at the beginning of this article, that's pretty much the theme of this post now. So it also makes sense that I would follow up with one of the better Shirtless Vikings pictures we've had recently, when Adrian Peterson, aka, Purple Jesus, dressed as the Incredible Hulk for the team's Halloween party. And believe it or not, yes, he is just shirtless in this picture. He's not wearing a body suit, or fake foam muscles, or asked to photoshop his head onto my body … No, none of that. Just a straight up, shirtless picture of Adrian Peterson, and the more I write that, the better my pageviews. So enjoy. I'll add it to the Shirtless Vikings photo gallery as well. 

Adrian Peterson Seahawks

Season Making Prediction: Oh right, the football game. Truth is, this is kind of a big game for the Vikings, and that's kind of really making me sick to my stomach. The fact is that this Seahawks team just really isn't that good. Their offense is absolute garbage beyond Marshawn Lynch, and the fact that they've won ANY games with a child sized quarterback is mind blowing. Their defense is good, I'll give them that. And pair that with our offense sucking, and you can see why this game makes me nervous. We could really use this win though, as getting to six games at this point in the season with our remaining schedule would be a real big deal. Also, it would give us the tie breaker over those dumb Packers if it ever came to that! But we need this win to prove to the team that they can compete and give them confidence down the home stretch, confidence that only can be gained from beating a middling, mediocre squad with a hack job for a head coach!

I think the keys here will be to keep the offense on the field as long as possible, tiring out the Seahawks defense, and keeping it close so we can steal it at the end. Frankly, that's how we should be winning all of our games this year. I'm worried that this stupid Russell Wilson magic is going to work on us though, and he's going to throw bombs to win at the end like he did with the Packers and Patriots. With Chris Cook out and some more rookie legs in the backfield, that probably won't help out cause. As much as I'd like to predict a win for us, I just can't, not with how our offense has been playing. But I do think we keep it close, maybe 17-24 or so, we lose, but at least within a possession. 

Don't worry, I'll probably be wrong. And you can tell me all about it Sunday afternoon in our game thread that we'll put up. Until then, enjoy the weekend!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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