Here at Purple Jesus Diaries, we take pride in our taste buds. From recommending scotch selections on a weekly basis during game previews, to providing our dear readers with the occasional secret family recipe (don’t slouch on the Bacon Egg Muffins or the Pico de Gallo, dawgs), we like to take care of our fans and make sure they are well fed. But not too plump. We don’t want any to get confused with a Packer fan.
Apparently, Minnesota Vikings punter and all around awesome person, Chris Kluwe, feels much the same way. Whether it’s his recipe for Amaze-bones Burgers (I just made that name up) or – in this case – Bitchin’ Home-Made Brownies, Kluwe has a knack for the culinary. Earlier this week, he tweeted the recipe for his followers on how to make these tantalizing bits, and PJD is kind enough to provide you with the easy-to-read version of it. BROWNIE POINTS (pun!) after the jump:
Below is a list of ingredients and directions to cook Chris Kluwe Brownies. Please note, I just copied and pasted his list and put it into a legible, non-Tweet form, so the majority of these instructions, words, EMOTIONS, are all his. He gets credit, not my stupid ass. However, I DID add a few editor’s notes, which you will see. READ ON!
WHAT NEED: These here be some of dem ingredients. He doesn’t list it, but first you need a woman to cook in the kitchen. JUST KIDDING LADIES! But you do probably need a kitchen. If you have that, you then probably need to go shopping for:
- 8 Bakers Unsweetened Chocolate Squares
- 3 sticks butter
- 3 cups sugar
- 6 eggs
- 2 cups flour
- Choc chips and Baileys Irish Cream to taste [Ed. Note - This means you need a shit ton of them if you're a fat Vikings fan like I'm guessing you are. And an alcoholic, which is probably another correct guess]
HOW DO: This here be how you do sum o’ dat bakin’. I don’t do baking. I play with fire by cooking dinner and shit. My understanding is that you have to follow these steps TO THE FUCKING T, or your brownies will turn out like logs of shit (unable to verify this statement). So take notice:
- Put chocolate squares and butter into large mixing bowl, microwave on high 3 minutes. Stir until evenly melted and all chocolate dissolves.
- Preheat oven to 355ish. [Ed. Note - Personally, I would preheat the oven before ANYthing else, but to each their own.] Take a drink of your favorite alcoholic beverage. Or don’t. [Ed. Note - Or do!] Mix in 3 cups of sugar (to brownies, not drink).
- After sugar, add eggs, mixing gently until evenly distributed. DO NOT OVERSTIR EGGS OR YOU WILL HAVE SAD BROWNIES. [Ed. Note - TRUTH.]
- Add 1 cup of flour, mix gently. Add second cup of flour, mix gently. Put in chocolate chips and Baileys to taste. Don’t put in too much Baileys or you will have sad runny brownies. Put batter into buttered glass baking pan. Fight your children for spoon/bowl licking rights [Ed. Note - Or, if you bake these at the Vikings training facility, fight off Phil Loadholt.]
- Cook around 37 minutes, insert a knife or toothpick to check doneness. You want a tiny bit to stick to the knife after pulling out. [Ed. Note - That's what she said?] Enjoy!
BOOM! Easy. Please note, this sound easy as shit to make, so you have no excuse. Also, these are NOT Percy Harvin Brownies, so you should also be able to pass any required drug tests in the upcoming weeks after eating them. Bon apetit!