WHICH ONE OF YOU BASTARDS POISONED PURPLE JESUS

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ALRIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU BED WETTERS ATTEMPTED TO POISON PURPLE JESUS YESTERDAY, HUH? SPEAK UP, OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BUTT BLAST YOUR TEDDY BEAR AND NOT TELL YOU ABOUT IT UNTIL YOU ARE AN ADULT. YOU DO NOT DO THAT SHIT, DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU DO NOT RUIN THE ONLY GOOD THING THIS FRANCHISE HAS GOING FOR IT IN THE LAST DECADE, ALRIGHT? MOVIE THEATER SHOOTINGS AND A NEW BOURNE MOVING NOT STARRING MATT DAMON HAS ALREADY MADE THIS YEAR SHITTY ENOUGH, SO JUST KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF AND LEAVE PURPLE JESUS ALONE BEFORE YOU ACCOMPLISH YOUR MORONIC GOAL AND GET SENT STRAIGHT TO HELL.

SERIOUSLY, WHO WAS IT?

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WAS IT YOU, TOBY GERHART? ARE YOU MAD BECAUSE FOR ALL YOUR BRAINS AND BOOK SMARTS YOU RECEIVED AT STANFORD YOU STILL GOT OVERSHADOWED BY A QUARTERBACK WITHOUT A CHIN? AND NOW YOU’RE BACKING UP THE HOLIEST OF HOLIES BECAUSE YOU RUN LIKE A RHINOCEROS WITH BROKEN KNEES? IT’S NOT MY FAULT AND IT’S NOT HIS FAULT, OK, SO LEAVE YOUR WHORISH TACTICS TO PETTY GAMES OF THRONE, YOU INCESTUAL BEAST. POISON IS NOT NEEDED. IT WAS BRAD CHILDRESS’ FAULT YOU’RE EVEN ON THIS TEAM, SO GO PISS ON HIS FOOT.

OR WAS IT YOU, CHRISTIAN PONDER? ARE YOU MAD THAT PURPLE JESUS LOOKS BETTER WHEN HE HAS HIS SHIRT OFF? HUH? IS THAT IT? YOU CAN’T COMPETE WITH A BETTER LOOKING SHIRTLESS VIKING SO YOU HAVE TO TRY AND OFF HIM SO YOU CAN BE THE ONE AND ONLY SHIRTLESS CHRISTIAN PONDER? WELL GUESS WHAT, SMILEY, GREG CHILDS ALREADY HAS THAT RECOGNITION THIS TRAINING CAMP, SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP BEING SUCH A RACIST AND AT LEAST TRY TO POISON THE RIGHT BLACK GUY, WHAT THE HELL MAN.

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I BET IT WAS PERCY HARVIN, IT TOTALLY WAS. HE WANTS TO BE THE ONLY STAR ON THIS TEAM AND HE PROBABLY THOUGHT HE COULD SLIP PURPLE JESUS SOME PCP OR SOME SHIT AND MAKE HIM HAVE A WILD NIGHT ON SUNDAY. WELL GUESS WHAT, HARVIN, THAT MAN IS A SAINT, DO YOU HEAR ME, A GOD DAMN SAINT, AND YOU ARE A wonderful football player that I enjoy on this team very much and am disheartened to hear about the issues you are currently having with this football organization and I wish you nothing but the best in setting those issues aside so that we can find an amiable solution that would allow you to sign a long term contract with our football team and finish your career as a Viking because I enjoy your play very much, BUT I SWEAR TO THE MAN HIMSELF THAT IF YOU TRIED TO POISON PURPLE JESUS I WILL HAVE NO OTHER OPTION THAN TO RESORT TO WRITING VERY ANGRY WORDS IN ALL CAPITALS DIRECTED IN YOUR GENERAL VICINITY.

JUST ADMIT IT, OK, ADMIT YOUR PUSSY WILLOWED SELF CRINGED AT THE SIGHT OF HIS GREATNESS, AT THE NEWS OF HIS MIGHTY RETURN, AND ACCEPT YOUR PUNISHMENT. I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR GOD DAMN ROMANS TRY TO STEAL THE ONLY GOOD FROM THIS EARTH. HAVE YOU ASS ROCKETS NOT LEARNED YOUR GOD DAMN LESSON YET?!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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