Zero Insight With … Gold Star Games

Welcome to another edition of Zero Insight! Normally, we take an article from esteemed pepaw at the Star Tribune, Sid Hartman, and savage that saggy balled old man a new one over his stupid ghost-written columns. Today however, we have a special guest poster, Rich. from something called “Gold Star Games,” which I have hyperlinked to out of obligation and likewise have never heard of, nor will I click on the link. He said he had an article he wrote about why there is hope for the Minnesota Vikings going forward, and he asked if I’d be willing to publish it. I asked if he’d be willing to be savaged, Fire Joe Morgan style, and he said he frankly didn’t give a shit. So he produces tons of written content for me, I still get to be a dick, and it’s a total lazy Friday win-win! Enjoy!

  • “Why there is hope for the Minnesota Vikings.”

Notice right off the bat how he’s lying to you. There’s no hope for the Minnesota Vikings, ever. Don’t let this silver tongued author attract you into his Venus fly trap!

  • “Following a season that finished 3-13 and the loss of one the greatest running backs in the game you might ask yourself how is there any hope for the Minnesota Vikings?”

Yes, I might. But it would be a rhetorical question because our top two running backs (one whom is white, mind you) both had knee injuries to end the year, our quarterback plays with his shirt on, and we just hired a former Colts defensive backs coach to be our defensive coach. I’m not asking if there is ANY hope for the Minnesota Vikings, I’m asking when I can circumcise myself again to prevent having to watch any more games in the next year.

  • “It is easy to see the negative side of the Vikings team.”

Indeed. The lack of skill players, the moron for a head coach, no stadium to play in. There are a couple of negative things about this team. I GUESS …

  • “They averaged a little less than 2.5 touchdowns per game and did not have a divisional win. The current quarterback is ranked 30th out of 33 players who have enough passing statistics to qualify. Defensively they gave up 28.1 points a game which is second worse behind Tampa Bay. BUT, if you look deep into the numbers of the Vikings you will see that there is hope. They do some things very well in comparison to the rest of the league.”

Bullshit. I didn’t think we had hope BEFORE you dropped those stats on me, but those are definite franchise killers. Not a single division win? We’re the new Lions, aren’t we? And all that hope placed in Ponder? 30th in ALL passing statistics or just the ones that actually help people normally win games? … Because I believe he’s 30th (or worse!) in all of them probably. Who am I kidding.

  • “The Vikings defensively were ranked 21st overall this past season. This puts them ahead of playoff teams such as the Saints, Giants, Patriots and Packers.”

Well clearly this doesn’t matter then. Tell me, would you rather have the 21st ranked defense and score 2.5 touchdowns a game or blow football loads all over teams like Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady with a solid offense? Because apparently, any jack-hole of a defense can make it to the playoffs if your offense is running around dropping balls like Sam Cassel. Defense. Who needs ‘em?!

  • “They had 50 sacks as a defensive unit which ranks first in the NFL”

Half of those were from Jared Allen going against a Bears team that spent much of the game checking out women in the stands. And still, with 50 sacks, we ended up with 3 wins. Hurray!

  • “They were good against the run letting up only 107 yards per game which is 11th in the league.”

I don’t know how “real” this stat is, but I find it hard to believe. But then again, not at all that hard to believe. Who runs the ball anymore, anyway? Why, when you can just throw bubble screens or TDs to freakish tight ends of your 5th receiver against us. And also? No, the run defense sucked. SERIOUS questions about Robison, Guion, Evans, and others, you gais. SERIOUS questions.

  • “The down fall of the defense was the secondary.”

  • “The pass defense was ranked 26th. In the current NFL if you can’t score 35 points a game like the Patriots, Saints and Packers than you need to play pass defense. If you disagree than why are 3 of the top 5 teams in pass defense in the playoffs?”

*Looks around* … Uh, no one was disagreeing. What is going on?

  • “They are the Steelers, Texans and Ravens. The Vikings need to improve secondary play to be competitive.” 

Sure, or, they could improve OFFENSIVELY and score more points than the other team. SCIENCE.

  • “Offensively the Vikings averaged 324.5 yards a game. This isn’t that bad.”

Yes it is.

  • “In fact it puts them ahead of the 49ers, Jets and Bengals. These are all very competitive football teams.”

No they are not. Jets were terrible, the Bengals were lucky, and the 49ers had both a mix of luck and Harbaugh’s crazy ass on their side. Sure, they’re one game away from the Super Bowl, but I think my argument of “COME OOONNN” pretty much sums up the 49ers season.

  • “They averaged 21.2 points a game netting them ahead of the Steelers and Broncos. They run the ball extremely well with 144 yards a game, 4th in the NFL.”

This is great news, with the NFL turning into a running league and all!

  • “The obvious issue is the passing offense. However, if the Vikings can put together a system that will allow them to control the football on the ground and be effective with big pass plays off of play action, they can compete!”

No, they can’t. You essentially just made an argument that all other teams in the NFL have big scoring offenses, putting up more than 35 points a game, and the Vikings pass defense is what’s killing them. So if we play ball control, and have a QB that can average managing the team to 21 points a game, while quick strike, air-powered offenses are putting up anywhere between 22 – 35 points a game … we .. can …… compete? No. This roster needs a complete overhaul, the coaches and their systems need overhauling, and coaching of the players needs time. This team is legitimately three years out from competing for ANYTHING.

  • “The Vikings have the third pick in this year’s upcoming draft. If they decide they need a secondary player instead of OT Matt Kalil the Vikings could score one of the best athletes in the entire draft. Two players could help the Vikes. They are LSU CB Morris Claiborne and Alabama DB Dre Kirkpatrick.  Either one of these athletes could adapt into an NFL scheme rather quickly because they can play man to man coverage.”

Exciting stuff. So the guy they need the most in Kalil will probably get picked by the Rams, then it is suggested that the team instead picks a LSU cornerback that got man-handled twice in one year by an NFL ready team in Alabama, or the Alabama CB that just got arrested for weed possession. He COULD fit up here great with Percy Harvin, mind you, but that seems like a dumb pick at #3, doesn’t it? Even for you?

  • “All the Vikings need is some pieces to fit into what looks like from a distance a crumbling puzzle. When examined up close the Vikings have a lot to look forward too. Will they beat the Packers and win the division? Maybe not, but they could contend for the wild card playoff spot. Have Faith!”

I absolutely WILL NOT have faith, and I don’t appreciate you lying to me. Honestly, I’d be more assured that the Vikings could beat the Packers next year over the Lions. If you would have told me that, then maybe … MAYBE I’d believe you. But still probably not.

Yes, yes you are. But who goes tailgating anymore? You can’t masturbate in your sweatpants on your couch in front of your 42″ HDTV while at a tailgaiting event. OR CAN YOU. Happy Friday, everyone!


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.