On Monday night, at a special event at a place most football fans have never stepped foot in before, the Minnesota Vikings took to the Wurtele Thrust Stage at the Guthrie Theater to unveil the design for their new stadium. Set to break ground in 2014, the new stadium is an engineering marvel, incorporating the world's largest ethylene tetrafluoroethylene roof, enormous pivoting glass doors out onto an expansive plaza, 1.6 million square feet of space, 65,000 seats expandable up to 73,000, and 125 suites with some offering the closest spectating location in all of the NFL. A true marvel.
But what AREN'T the Vikings telling you about this new technological terror they've constructed? Purple Jesus Diaries, of course, has your answers.
Lost amidst the flash and excitement of the stadium reveal were several little known facts about this new stadium that the Vikings failed to mention. Sure, the thing looks pretty, shiny with glass, and lots of neat seats and HD TVs and weird stuff us poor folk in Minnesota rarely see, but in the nooks and crannies of this stadium are some real dark and twisted secrets, and I refuse to stand by without bringing these details to the attention of the people.
Norm Van Brocklin's Sarcophagus
Underneath the midfield logo careful explorers will find pressure pads that, when pushed in an an exact sequence, will depress the field turf and open a hidden passage to the depths of the stadium. Passing through service corridors, storage rooms, dead cheerleader bodies, and even the old Metrodome foundation, curious fans will find an unmarked room only opened by voice recognition when rattling off a certain play call. Upon doing so, old hinges will creek, dust will puff from forgotten tombs, and urban spelunkers will be rewarded with the long lost sarcophagus of former Vikings coach Norm Van Brocklin, who was buried at this site decades ago. Buried with him are all of his earthly possessions … But don't get too excited. They include an old leather wallet with a number of a hooker named "Scarlet" inside, and an old bottle of whiskey. Even if the hooker is dead, the whiskey might be worth it, so proceed with caution.
VIKTOR the VIKING is Trapped in a Glass Stadium of Emotion
All fans talk about right now is how excited they are to go visit this new stadium and spend an afternoon – maybe the entire day – around and in the stadium. But the truth of the matter is that when the game is over, they are free to go about the rest of their lives. They can go home, go back to tailgating, pick up and leave. Not our favorite mascot VIKTOR the VIKING, though, oh no. What they don't tell you is that this new stadium is his prison, a glass case of emotion, where he is but a Pinocchio locked inside while looking out onto a vibrant world. He smiles for you on the outside, but he's a dead as Norm Van Brocklin on the inside.
Glass Doors That'll Never Open
Look at all that glass! It's amazing! It is going to let in so much natural light, feel so airy, and spacious! And the pivoting glass doors, my word, they're the largest in the world! No one can beat us! They'll open and close and open and close whenever they want! Or … Whenever makes sense. Because what the hell, are you really going to open up the world's largest glass doors when it's 10 degrees outside? Of course not. You lock that ice palace down and heat everyone up with greenhouse gases. So these awesome pivoting glass doors essentially won't do anything. COOL.
It's Ready For a Super Bowl! Once.
Hey, did you see that the stadium normally sits 65,000 fans? But it could be expanded to 73,000 for the Super Bowl? Because that's what's going to happen you know. Now that the Super Bowl for the 2013 season is going to be in New York, in an open air cold weather stadium, it'll encourage the whiny NFL media clique to support another Super Bowl in a Rust Belt state's new stadium, including the Vikings. And hell! Our stadium is so awesome they may even want to rotate it in every five years or so, don't you think?! Of course not. The NFL will grudgingly award the state ONE Super Bowl, as early as possible to get this crap over with, and then forget that this stadium even exists, just like they did after the Metrodome hosted one. So that'll be another 35, maybe 40 years of that state getting the BEST return on their investment with a whopping ONE Super Bowl. CAN'T WAIT.
You'll Have to Fight for your Concessions
Little known fact: You can't buy food or drink or souvenirs at this new stadium. Instead, you have to pass on the traditional Vikings way and fight someone else to the death for your foam Helga hat. So enjoy that.
Let us know your stadium thoughts in the comments.