With the return of football season and demoralizing Vikings football comes the even more soul crushing game of fantasy football, and the inept team you drafted! Well, that MOST of you drafted. We again take a look at the PJD Fantasy Football league, which comprises of readers, former readers, and a couple of randos that got real damn lucky to engage with me. And not all of these people were present for draft night even, which probably should have excluded them from the season all together, except for the fact that it probably would have left us with an odd number of three players. And obviously we couldn't have that.
But enough. Let's get into this week's PJD Fantasy Football League review and bring some tears to the table.
Meet the League
Before we jumped into the weekly recap, I wanted to give newer, casual readers a basic introduction to the league. Naturally, this is a league of people talking about their fantasy teams that you likely don't give a shit about. I get that. But this is also an OPPORTUNITY for us to talk about fantasy football stuff in general, and to all share other league happenings, and generally make fun of people. So here's what you should know about the players in the PJD league, of whom you certainly are free to make fun of as well:
– The league has 12 teams this year. I know it's weird. By my count, there are 4 women (girls?) and when they play against each other we call it a Scissors Match, because lesbians. However, the girls are also 2-2 this week overall, so I should probably shut my mouth.
– The winner of the league gets to win a free t-shirt from the PJD merchandise store. I am assuming that most everyone will be fighting for the SKOL YOUR FACE shirts this season. Or not. The winner may really just be the loser.
– I think this is the 4th year of the league. By my count, I think there's been 4 or 5 of us that have been around since the beginning. Point being, there's lots of turn over every year, so if this is something of interest to you, keep it in mind for next year.
– There are several people from Canada (I don't know how that happened), I dude from Wisconsin that is a Packers fan (easily the most hated), and a guy who named his team "Victorious Secrets." GAAAYYY.
You'll learn more as we go, but those are the essentials. Let's get to this week.
With 7 games a week and probably SEVERAL blow outs each week since your fantasy team probably sucks, I'm likely not going to draw attention to every game during every recap. But here are some of the highlights. The Tread Lightly's frowned their way to the finish line this week by dropping a flaccid 71 points on Parole Models this week. They obviously lost, and are noted as scoring the least amount of points in the week. Clearly, Wilfork on the 1st Date scored big by starting Peyton Manning, and splooging 148 points all over the league's face, but in particular, dropping most of them onto the chin of the Cheeseheads. Can you guess who the Wisconsin fan is? The closest game ended up being between the Naked Dudes and Victorious Secret, with Naked Guys only winning by 6 points. He almost shit the bed though, because Victorious had Lesean McCoy going Monday night, and he almost stole him a win. Alas, the secret's out … You're not very good. ZING!
Fantasy Player of the Week
Clearly is Peyton Manning. When you have a quarterback drop 7 tongue darts into your farts box, you're probably going to score a lot of fantasy points. On top of that, he topped like 700 yards or something stupid, too, which probably counts more in yardage leagues (eg, STUPID leagues), so it was like getting in on a fantasy orgy and actually lasting until appropriate time to climax. In other words, it's never going to happen again, and enjoy it. Take note, Wilfork on 1st.
Fantasy Jerk of the Week
Every week I'll probably shuffle who the Jerk of the Week is base on my own criteria. We do our league over at Yahoo! Sports, and while their interface sucks pinecones, they also do offer a lot of advance stats. So this week, I'm just playing around with numbers like the Zodiac Killer and deciding that the Jerk of the Week is based on actual points scored this week versus their overall projected value or ranking. This week, we point our fingers and laugh at Cheeseheads (who lost, we remind you) because he started David Wilson for the Giants, who ran 7 times for 19 yards and 2 fumbles. Sooo … That didn't really work out for him at all. Probably put him on the bench next week, yeah? Or just take him out back.
Weekly League Awards
Congrats this week to "Very Tight Buttholes" who Yahoo! says was supposed to lose this week, but actually won. As you can see above, they then say "Projections, schmojections!" which I'm pretty sure isn't a real word. But dammit if that dog with a medal around his neck isn't ADORABLE.
Fantasy Dream Mailbag
We'll give this a shot. Have a fantasy football question for your own team? Have a question about a dream? Lingering query about the Vikings? Shoot us an email with a question and we'll feature one each week in this section. Emails at email@example.com. This should go well.
Upcoming Illusion Fights
This week, the game between myself, PJD's team aptly called "The Okra Patches" and last week's big winner, Wilfork on 1st Date, is the game currently projected to be the closest game of the week. Both of us have had big time players come through, and it will likely be a slap fight for the ages. Will Drew Brees out big-dick Peyton Manning? Can Doug Martin run over Marshawn Lynch? Who's kicker is the stupidest? Find out in week 2 of the PJD Fantasy Football League!
Or, don't, and just stick around and tell me about what happened to your team(s) this week. Did you get shit on in a big upset? Crap away a huge lead? Whether you're in this league or not, let's hear the good (but mostly bad) news below in the comments.