Welcome to Fustian Fridays, a new feature on Purple Jesus Diaries during the offseason where we will rant about various topics of absurdity that have really been pissing us off to no extent. Come share your grievances with us, or suggest a topic to rage about by emailing us. Now, let's get angry!
This weekend will mark the first time we've had a Sunday without NFL football in about five full months. It ends up being even more if you count some weekends like Saturday preseason games, or Thursday Night Football and other garbage like that. Point being though, there is no NFL on this weekend or in the foreseeable future, and that gives me a real big sad in my pants.
But don't worry! Depending on which dickweed of a fan you'll talk to, they're like to remind you that the NFL actually doesn't have an offseason! Nope! Despite the Super Bowl being played last week and no more games on the foreseeable horizon, the NFL is going just as strong as it was in December, apparently, because, BOY!, look at all these roster cuts, and player surgeries we get to talk about instead!
Well you know what, dickweed fan? You're full of shit and I hate your face.
The NFL most certainly DOES have an offseason. It exists from the moment the Super Bowl ends to the moment the Hall of Fame preseason game appears on TV. Those are the darkest days of the year. Those are the days when the NFL does not have any games which are played, meaning – almost by definition – that it is "off season" for this particular sport. Note, a sport is played, not talked about, or practiced, or compared on paper. Sport is a game, which is played, which is what the NFL is. When it is not being PLAYED, it is the offseason. This isn't that hard to understand.
"But wait!" says people who are stupid. "The NFL NEVER rests! You have the combine, mini camps, the NFL Draft, more camps, free agency, training camp, preseason, and then a new season! The NFL is always going! That's no offseason!"
YES IT IS, YOU STUPID BANANA DICK.
Listen, I love the NFL as much as I love a 12 year Balvenie DoubleWood, or Adrian Peterson's smile. These are things that pump blood through my veins. I also ENJOY watching all three days of the NFL draft. I most definitely look at pictures and videos from rookie camps, scouting videos, the combine, training camp, and everything else. But don't kid yourself, people. That isn't the NFL. It's a glorified marketing bonanza that the NFL uses to get more money from us, which I'm totally fine with. I'll eat that shit up, because something like the draft in April is the closest thing to the NFL I'll have until September. But it's not the NFL.
The best case you can make that says the NFL in fact DOES have an offseason, and it in fact IS excruciating in it's lack of on-field activity, is to ask yourself one question … Would you rather spend a Sunday afternoon watching an NFL game, or watching rounds 4-7 of the NFL Draft? I don't even care what NFL game it is. Titans vs. Jaguars, for all I care. If you say anything but that game, you're a god damn liar. The only reason you watch the NFL Draft (and pay attention to other related off-season activities) is so that you can see how those parts of interest will perform for your team on the field, A FIELD WHICH WILL NOT BE PLAYED UPON UNTIL GAMES ACTUALLY START AGAIN.
It's just ridiculous. The NFL most certainly does have an offseason, and it is horrible, no doubt about that. If a fan ever tries to tell me again that this isn't the case, you're just as horrible. And if they ever try to tell me that you just replace football Sundays with baseball games, I will bring an army to their house. Fucking baseball.