Vikings Packers playoff game

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: Did the Packers Actually Lose Saturday?

If you had the horrible misfortune of going to work Monday morning this week and interacting with a Green Bay Packers fan, they were probably very prompt in reminding you that their favorite team of fat people beat the Minnesota Vikings Saturday night to the tune of 24-10. They'll gloat about how the Vikings defense was no match for a potent, straight, Aaron Rodgers, throwing balls around to 10 different receivers like a man-whore, that Adrian Peterson had no hope against what they'll argue is the best team in the league, and how the Green Bay Packers are heads and tails the best franchise in all of the NFL in all alternate universes.

Those are pretty lofty statements, and on the surface would look true. But fearing that you may have had to succumb to this level of harassment this week, Purple Jesus Diaries decided we would take an UNBIASED view on the game this weekend and really tally up who "won" and who "lost" on Saturday. The results, well, they may surprise you!

While the score finished reading 24-10 and the Packers are continuing to play football this upcoming week, don't let that fool you. The Green Bay Packers were the clear LOSERS on Saturday night, and more ways than one. Let's break it down for you and show you just how many different ways the Packers lost this weekend:

Joe Webb Sucks

They Managed to Beat a Backup By Only 14 Points

Think about this. So you're team "destined for the Super Bowl" is going to get there by only beating a back up quarterback who hadn't started in a single regular season game this year by 14 points? Um, it's not like this back up was Matt Flynn, you nerds! He wasn't going to throw for 400 yards on you. In fact, I wouldn't even call Joe Webb a quarterback! He's a wide receiver who moves like a running back that plays at the quarterback position. He couldn't even hit the sidelines if he was standing at the 50 yard line blind folded, spun around, and threw with all his might! And you only beat him by 14 points?! AND you let him throw a touchdown against you?! Embarrassing. No team that has played Joe Webb in the playoffs has ever won the Super Bowl. Think about that stat.

Randall Cobb Sucks

Randall Cobb? More Like Randall Blob!

Remember heading into this game how the Packers were finally healthy, how Randall Cobb was going to be a force to be reckoned with? Boy, he's such a special teams WIZARD! He's like the Green and Gold Percy Harvin, except better! Pfft, except not, pencil dicks. Randall Cobb, one reception, seven yards, two targets. Two rushes, six yards. Four punt returns, 17 yards, 4.3 yards per return average. OOOO!! DON'T UNLEASH RANDALL COBB ON US!! HE MAY LOWER YOUR TEAMS OFFENSIVE PRODUCTION! We shut that jerk DOWN, bitches, we owned him. You LOST that battle, WHAT?!

Marcus Sherels Returns a Punt

Terrible Punter Performance

Oh god, the Packers punter. What a horrible, terrible, ugly performance. Do you think he was actually being paid to "kick the game away" so the Vikings could win it? Boy, he gave them everything he had in the "sucking" department. Tim Masthay (More like "Tim Nasty-at-Punting") punted EIGHT times for an average of 37.8 yards during the game. I mean, come on! Joe Webb can arm punt balls further than that! It was horrid! The complete lack of hang time combined with distance was an absolute travesty. It set the art of punting back AT LEAST 50 years. Now, on the other side of the field, the perfect human specimen, the embodiment of the leg kick, Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe almost won the game for the Vikings himself. Oh my, he was painting a MASTERPIECE Saturday night. The loft, the hang time, the distance, the tight spirals, the professional bounces, the coffin corner accuracy … AH! It took my breath away. You could learn a thing or two from a professional Nasthay, if you want to keep a job.

Aaron Rodgers Sucks Vikings Packers

Aaron Rodgers Poor Performance

Here are two stat lines for two randomly picked quarterbacks who played on Saturday night:

  C/ATT YDS AVG TD INT SACKS QBR RTG
QB1 11/30 180 6.0 1 1 3-23 20.7 54.9
QB2 23/33 274 8.3 1 0 3-24 71.7 104.9

OK, honestly, both of those stat lines are AWFUL. Gross. These are playoff caliber quarterbacks? Give me a break! Maybe in Pop Warner league! At least one of these two numb nuts has an excuse, because he hasn't played an NFL game in over a year. The other one? Played last week! On the road! With better numbers! If you haven't guessed yet, that "better quarterback" is actually QB2, Aaron Rodgers. I put that in quotations because OBVIOUSLY if Christian Ponder would have been playing, he would have out-dueled Rodgers AGAIN, just like he did in Week 16. I mean, really. You can only throw for 90+ yards more than a QB who hasn't thrown a pass all season? Tie this same back up in touchdowns thrown? Equal him in sacks and yardage? Just bad, Rodgers. You better have kissed Ponder's swollen elbow Saturday night, because he was about to WRECK your puckered butt hole that night if he would have suited up. MVP candidate? Please. More like LVP candidate … LEAST valuable player!

Vikings fan Punch Packers fan

Waking Up in Wisconsin

Worst of all, all of our "Wisconsin friends" woke up in the morning thinking the game last night was a wonderful dream, but it ended up just being a nightmare, as they still found themselves in the worst state in the Union. And yes, I'm including Arkansas.

So there you have it. Without a doubt, the Packers never truly "won" their playoff game against the Vikings Saturday night. What they ended up losing was so much more DEEPER than the on-field board game for toddlers they thought their lives depended on. The rest of us will just go back patting our back-up QB on the back, laughing at Randall Cobb, and throwing trash on Wisconsin highways as we drive through to bang the girls in Madison and head to Chicago.

Later, fattys.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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