Ho-lee crap, are we doing this again already? More Vikings versus Packers nonsense? It was only like four games ago where we welcomed probably 45,000 Packer fans into their last game in the Metrodome with impassive, open arms and shrugs, saying, "Whatever, come put a foot in our ass, no one cares anymore", and I thought that was that. But now you're telling me we have to do this all over again? Against the Packers? And not just the Packers, but still play football this season? Can't we just forfeit? Do they let you do that in the NFL? It would be less painful, and likely more productive for me on a Sunday. Get this seminal fluid spill of a mess over with already and call it a season, will we?
Yeah, so … Vikings and Packers this weekend. Crappy quarterback play all around because Aaron Rodgers broke his fallopian tube or something. Who's excited?
Getting to Know: Scott Buttface
The Packers will have something called Scott Buttface (aka, Tolzien) quarterback for them this weekend. Minnesota fans likely know enough about him already, as he is a former Wisconsin Badger quarterback that dropped bones all over the Gophers' faces throughout his college career. Will the pro career be any different? I doubt it. I mean, doesn't this seem like the perfect set up for a no-name, buck-toothed weirdo to step in and have a career day against our defense? Why not? And if not Tolzien, then FOR SURE Eddie Lacey will get close to breaking Adrian Peterson's single game rushing record, right? I mean, that's just how life as a Vikings fan works. But the guy is not good. He's got a pretty stellar TD-to-INT ratio going on right now of 1-5, and a pretty poor quarterback rating of 68%. It's fairly unimpressive, or rather, Ponder-esque, which means that Tolzien has a chance to shine this weekend. On the plus side for Packer fans? Tolzien did throw for 339 yards last week (along with 3 interceptions, but SHHHH), which must shatter Ponder's single game passing record, right? So he's already got that going for him.
Big Weekend for Draft Spots
So, this Vikings game will likely be like watching your two fat aunts fight over the last turkey leg on Thanksgiving, wheezing between jello-pretzel dish bites. Gross. BUT. That doesn't mean you shouldn't watch the NFL this weekend. There are some BIG, BIG games going on that have the potential to upset the 2014 draft order, that we particularly need to keep an eye on. This includes a recently potent Bucs offense going against a bipolar Lions team, a 1-9 Jaguars team going against a 2-8 Texans team (Someone has to lose! We still win!), and the Redskins at 3-7 going against the 49ers on Monday night. Certainly, the Jags and Texans game is most intriguing, and also most promising, as this is only the first time these two powder puffs have played each other this year. So hopefully they split the season series (Or Texans win both, at this point I guess?), which would go a LONG way towards getting the Vikings that coveted number one pick. As long as the purple doesn't screw job this game up this weekend, too. SO MUCH IS RIDING ON THIS!
Meme of the Week
The past two weeks have seen the launch of two new video game systems in the PS4 and the XBone. If you support Microsoft in any form, you're a chump, and frankly, Antonio Banderas agrees with me. Since the PS4 launch started approaching, gamers across the web have been using the above Antonio Banderas GIF to create all sorts of amazing reactions to the PS4 release, including unboxings, system start ups, and more. It's been glorious, and it may have just become my new favorite meme/GIF in existence. Also, eat shit, XBone.
Scotch of the Week
Well, you finally did it, November. You got cold as hell and brought some snow to Minnesota, along with shitty football, and it makes me mad. Solution? Drink yourself to death! Or close to it. This week's scotch should help the process. We check out the Glenglassaugh Revival, a Highland single malt that is the first to be bottled at the recently re-opened Glenglassaugh distillery in 2008. It was aged in a mixture of both bourbon and sherry casks, so it does have a nice sweetness to it. Noses of caramel, toffee, milk chocolate, and bits of red fruit like plum and berries, are present, as well as charred oak and caramelized sugars. It'll taste sweet because of the casks, but is well rounded and even brings some citrus notes, along with mead, walnuts, and spiced oak. Overall, it finishes softly (unlike this NFL season for Vikings fans) with mulled-wine spices, sherry, and caramel. BONUS TIP: If you drink enough of this, quick enough, you'll be passed out by half time and won't have to suffer through the rest of the game! Hurray!
Shirtless(eqsue) Viking of the Week
With Harrison Smith still out this week (but apparently rehabbing and attempting to come back still this year sometime? Why would you do that to yourself?), we're likely to get more doses of safety Andrew Sendejo. And you know what? I'm OK with that. This dude has amazingly huge pipes, and I can't tell if he's just a scrappy white dude, or some kind of Mexican mix blend, but I don't care at this point either. He might hit harder and with less abandon than Harrison does, because he knows he's supposed to be a back up. Can he take angles? That's up for debate, but as long as my safeties hit hard (especially against the Packers), I'm willing to forgive a lot of other indiscretions.
Border Battle Predictions
So both teams kind of suck right now when you start talking Vikings and Packers. We all know the Vikings problems; they are the Vikings. They are starting Christian Ponder, their center has a concussion, their OLB is one of the worst in the league this season, injuries, injuries, coaching, injuries, dumb drafting, Ponder, Freeman, etc., etc.
Well, Aaron Rodgers decided to take a sabbatical, and the Packers are worse off for it. Scott Buttface – despite playing WORLD'S better than Ponder – is playing like crap, and has no rhythm with his offense. Thus, they are going to be leaning heavily on RB Eddie Lacey, who has really emerged late in the year. And why not? Our defense sucks, our offense can sometimes put up points, but not really, so why not just run the ball down our throats and keep the ball away from Adrian Peterson? BOOM. Automatic win.
It's not going to be a blow out, I don't think, but the Packers should never even really feel threatened. More than anything, we NEED them to beat us this week so we can lock down draft position. You've screwed us for years, Packers, so why stop now? Just leave it in until it goes limp and let us cry softly under you. Until next year.
Uh … That got dark. Enjoy the game, I guess?