shirtless josh freeman 004 Thriller

Masturbatory Game 6 Preview: Primetime Suck-Off

Vikings vs. Giants

A Monday Night Suck Off

OH YEAH! It's a Monday morning game preview! And that can only mean one thing … There's a Vikings game on Monday night! And the only NFL games that are played on Monday night are prime time, national football games that EVERYONE watches. They always put these type of games on Monday night because they are the games that every football fan wants to see. They are important! They are the best of the best! They are …

… Wait a second … The Vikings are 1-4 this year? And they are the better team on paper in this game? Holy crap, this is going to suck.

So, the 1-4 Vikings limp into New York to face the 0-6 Giants tonight on ESPN, for everyone to watch, for everyone to cry over. Fun fact! Despite being 0-6 on the season, the Giants are actually FAVORED to win this game, over a team that already has a win on their record. Has there ever been any sucky team facing another sucky team that has sucked so much? This whole thing just sucks, and now America gets to see how much we suck, when we end up losing to a team that REALLY sucks, making us suck just as much as they do.

This is going to suck. A LOT.

Thanks to FRANSCRAM for another game day preview graphic!

Eli Manning Gif

Giants, Why U Suck?

However, I totally get why the Giants are favored. Remember how much Ben Roethlisberger sucks this year? I mean, he sucks a lot too. But that dude almost beat us in London, and that was back when Matt Cassel was actually playing like Tom Brady's back up and the defense was duct taped together with used condoms and thumb tacks. So what would you say the chances are that we end up making Derp-Face quarterback Eli Manning find his groove again and go on a Super Bowl run? Because I'd say it's pretty good. On the plus side for America, I guess, there will likely be zero defense played in this game, so if people like offense, there should be a crap-show of offense. So, best of luck with that.

Josh Freeman

Free Me, Mr. Freeman

Tonight marks the debut of the Josh Freeman era in Minnesota, and although I hate that son of a bitch for backing out of his commitment to Nebraska when he was a high school child, I am REALLY hoping that this circus clown works out for us. Not because I want Leslie Frazier to keep his job or anything stupid, but because I STILL – after probably three decades at least – wouldn't mind having someone on this roster that resembles a legitimate, franchise quarterback. Keep in mind Freeman is still young – He's 25, he's still got his best football ahead of him if he pans out – but he's also not so young that he can't pick up an offense and ruin Adrian Peterson's career single handily. And that's really what this is all about. The defense is obviously going to go through a re-build this offseason, but we need the offense to carry the load. And while we could draft a young QB and groom him for the future (and we still should probably do that if Freeman pans out or not), we need a quarterback who can work with Peterson while he's still got legs. Because if all of these QBs that with Peterson ruin his chance at a Super Bowl, I will murder someone, I swear to god.

Spider Man Meme

Meme of the Week

Obviously, this is the most relevant meme I could think of for the state of the Vikings right now. Essentially, this team is just thrusting this crotch out to any quarterback with an arm, hoping that they'll throw for us. Once on the team, that doesn't actually change anything. We still don't know what the F we are doing, especially on the defensive end. Think about it. We now have a safety tandem of Andrew Sendejo and Jamarca Sanford. Think that ends well? And Josh Robinson still has a job, soooo …. LOL, WUT?

Old Pulteney 17

Scotch of the Week

Looking for a bottle of scotch that you can buy on a Monday afternoon and drink yourself to death by the end of the 4th quarter tonight? Look no further than Old Pulteney 17 year. It's a great clean and fresh scotch to numb you into a blinding, drunken rage. It is actually a bit lighter, with notes of fruit salad (no homo), honeydew, and lightly salted butter and fudge. If fudge sounds familiar, that's similar to wear the Vikings are going to be taking it tonight. It's a full scotch in your mouth, with tasting notes of citrus peel and toffee, and even a little beeswax! You'll finish with an herbal edge and chewy oak, and a black out drunkeness that will help you wake up Tuesday pretending that this game never happened. Perfect!

Shirtless Viking of the Week

Who better to highlight than the newest Vikings quarterback, Shirtless Josh Freeman? The best thing about Freeman joining the team, other than him maybe not sucking as hard at playing the position as Christian Ponder and Matt Cassel did, is that he also brings in a whole new slew of Shirtless Vikings pictures, which is sweet. The well has been running a little dry recently, which also probably explains why this team sucks so much. So maybe this sweet, shirtless infusion will help turn things around.

Adrian Peterson Giants

Suck-Town Predictions

Can you tell I think the Vikings are going to lose? Because I'm pretty sure they are. I'm just as sure that they will lose this game as I was sure they were going to draft Manti Te'o back during the draft, and we all know how that turned out. Point being, the Vikings should lose this game so hard, because they are pointedly awful and getting worse. The defense is now decimated and largely a joke, and they are expected to stop an NFL team, even one that is 0-6 on the year and handing out interceptions like it's The Oprah Show? I don't think so.

But, now they have an infusion of new blood with Freeman, and this team is SO dumb, they might just figure out a way to pull this out. Which they've done before, mind you. Remember Joe Webb against Philadelphia? Or Ponder versus the Redskins? Or all other sorts of miracle games the Vikings have pulled out of their asses when they shouldn't have. So, maybe this is just another one of those illustrious games. The sad saps still wearing the purple glasses this season can at least hang their hat on that hope.

Soooo … Enjoy the game!  …. Somehow. With booze, probably. Lots of it. I'm so sorry it's come to this, people.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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