Halfway to Suckville
WHOA. When the hell did this happen? Did you realize it's November today? And we're already halfway through the NFL season? Well … Halfway through the Minnesota Vikings NFL season, because they are only playing the requisite 16 games this year, no additional appearances with the playoffs, or Super Bowl, or anything silly like that. No, no. Not this team. In the blink of an eye, the Vikings are already halfway done with football in 2013, it's already November, it hasn't *actually* snowed yet in the Twin Cities, and I don't even know what's going on. Usually they say, "Time flies when you're having fun" but I don't think I'm having fun with the Vikings right now, are you? I mean, losing certainly is entertaining, but it's not very fun. I remember winning back in 2009. THAT was fun. That meant something. This season has just been emasculating, and honestly, it can't end soon enough.
So, as fast as the NFL season is going, you need to start going faster, Vikings. I don't know how much more of this garbage I can stomach without latching on the the off-season hope again.
A Halloween Nightmare?
Since Halloween was yesterday, and viewing photoshopped Vikings monsters wasn't enough, let me remind you that Blair Walsh (Donatello above) and Adrian Peterson as the Hulk, were the original Vikings Halloween stars. But all of that is just an awful segue to the point I'm making that – in this game the Vikings are playing around Halloween – there's a real good chance this game is going to be a total mess. The team will announce Friday sometime who the starting quarterback will be, with all signs point towards Josh Freeman. We know for sure we'll be facing Tony Romo on the other side, a quarterback who isn't great, but will look like Joe Montana against the Vikings defense. Point being, we have an awful QB to pair against a mediocre-great-looking QB and it's going to turn into a blood bath this weekend, and holy crap, why won't this season end.
So Long Ponder?
Speaking of Josh Freeman leads us to Christian Ponder, which leads us to the news bit that Ponder's house is for sale off of Lake Minnetonka. Samantha Ponder apparently acknowledged that this isn't THAT big of a deal, since it's been on the market since June 2013 – when the Ponder's thought they may still have a long term future in Minnesota – but it's a lot more fun to speculate that Ponder now knows he's on the outs here, so he put his home up for sale and is going to live out of a van or something. The only other benefit is that you get to snoop through his million dollar home, which looks awesome. I mean, look at that living room? You think the house comes with the framed jersey Ponder received when he was drafted? That's gotta be worth like, what, $25 bucks at least? I'd do that deal. But either way, yeah, Ponder's probably gone after this year, and I'm sure him nor Samantha are going to mind. I don't blame them.
Meme of the Week
I kind of feel like this is the only insight our coaches have at this point in their careers. Like Spider-Man seeing a knife and a gun and making a knifegun, I feel like Musgrave looks at his quarterbacks and says, "Well, I have a noodle arm and zero protection. I can throw a wide receiver screen!", and I guess I don't even blame him for that. No, wait, I mean I do, I do, but what else is he suppose to do? Ask Christian Ponder to throw down field to his second option? Get out. That's impossible. So instead, he just calls his favorite play call two out of three times: KNIFEGUN!
Scotch of the Week
When a football season sucks as bad as this one does, there is only one thing to do: DRINK TO GET DRUNK. And I mean DRUNK. WASTED drunk. You need to be blacked out by the end of the first quarter, and that's no easy task when the game starts at noon. To help you, I will recommend an Islay scotch this week, a heavier, peaty scotch that will blow the back of your head out, AND YOU'LL LIKE IT, DAMMIT, BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE SUCKS RIGHT NOW. So check out the new Laphroaig 18 year. It's a big scotch, lots of breakfast-y notes (malt, barley, coffee, REGRET), and tastes very rounded and thick. There will be lots of fiery wood spices, brooding peat, and pure hatred that you can relate too, with a long finish. If you can't get the 18 year yet, go 15 year and just drink 3 more years out of it and call it even.
Shirtless Viking of the Week
In honor of Halloween and the only good player on the roster, we'll drop the aforementioned Shirtless Adrian Peterson Hulk for your again. The beauty of this picture and this costume is that he's not wearing a muscle suit. Who does that?! Jesus does that, apparently.
Alright, whatever. We'll lose this game, probably 38-20. We'll get a late, garbage touchdown and field goal maybe to make the score look a LITTLE more respectable, but it really won't be and everyone will know it. Tony Romo is going to have a Jerry Jones wet dream all over the Vikings face, and the defense as an entire unite will give up after a series and a half into the third quarter, if they even manage to last that long. Freeman is going to drive this freight train into a coal mine full of TNT and blow it up, and honestly I couldn't be happier. Let's rebuild this bitch, embrace the suck, and call it a season.
THANKS FOR NOTHING, METRODOME. Last season of awful memories, you jerks.
Enjoy the game, I guess?