shirtless christian ponder

Masturbatory Vikings Game 9 Preview: R-Words vs. V-Words

Les Frazier Redskins

ALL THE SWEARS!

When the "super popular" primetime Thursday night game finally rolls around this week, and only 15 people will be able to watch it on the NFL Network, what they will see is a spectacle of offensiveness. It will feature two teams with derogatory nicknames brutally beating each other. So you have Native American Cuss Words visiting the Minnesota to face the Scandinavian Rapers. Frankly, I don't know what is worse, but if it's this sort of thing that gets your jimmies off, then more power to you.

Regardless, it'll be a piece of crap game tonight, and I don't just say that because both teams have a losing record. Actually, I say that because ON TOP of both teams having losing records, both teams are pretty banged up, missing half their starters due to injury four days ago, and are now expected to play again on a long weekend's rest. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, and Thursday night football is just the worst. So, enjoy the game, I guess. At the very least, keep your fingers crossed for draft positioning.

Thanks to Drunken1 for another Gameday Graphic!

Christian Ponder

PONDER TIME … AGAIN I GUESS

There's been something about the return of Ponder over these last three games now that I have supremely enjoyed. Maybe it's the fact that we know he's probably on the outs this year, so instead of fans sitting here wondering when we're cutting bait with this dead fish, we can instead know that the end is nigh and rather just enjoy the last few moments we have with each other, like a high school girlfriend you were totally going to dump when you went to college, but since she's moving far away anyway, it makes it seem like a nice, natural split. Truth is, he hasn't played AWFUL these last two start, rather … just kind of bad. Which, really, is a step up for him! He's still not the answer – and he still can't throw the ball to the endzone on a Hail Mary pass – but dammit if I don't enjoy this stupid shirtless bastard. Here's to him putting up 30+ points again.

Vikings defense

When Does the Defense Just Stop Trying? I Mean Even More

After there were reports after the meltdown in Dallas that several players were openly questioning the play calling throughout the fourth quarter when the defense went lax and the offense pussied out to allow Dallas to win, I figure it's only a matter of time before this whole shit blows a gun powder keg and sinks to the bottom of Lake Superior, right? I'm just trying to figure out when exactly it happens at this point. Do the new, un-injured players step into their sparkly new rolls and pretend to try for a little bit, before they stop for like a second and start asking themselves what the hell is going on with their play calling? If that's the case, I would expect the melt down to occur sometime around the end of the third quarter or beginning of the fourth. But who knows, the team may not even play well enough to "stick around" in the game that long, so maybe it'll be a moot point.

Spider Man meme

Meme of the Week

I don't know, this doesn't make much sense. But really, it's about how I feel about this team right now. The "Hey you! Yeah you!" line seems aggressive enough, which is I guess how football makes me feel, but then the "F*ck you!" line is pretty much my response to the question, "How are the Vikings making you feel this season?" Because, seriously, man, what the hell. This season sucks.

Glenglassaugh Revival

Scotch of the Week

With it finally hitting November on the calendar, it's time to stop pussy dicking around with our scotch selections each week. The team is a god damn 1-7 record, the first snow fall has hit the Twin Cities, and everything feels dead inside me because football is awful right now. So give me something AMAZING to wake me up. In this case I recommend the Glanglassaugh Revival. Aged in a mixture of first use and refilled bourbon casks, it's going to have an odd mix of young wood and that sweet, sweet bourbon taste down your gullet. You'll find lots of caramel, toffee, honey, and caramelized earthy sugars on the nose, with even a bit of ripe red fruits. It tastes sweet, rounded, and creamy. More fruit notes work their way onto your tongue, but you'll also find more spice than usual, with a spiced oak. Little bit of mead, too, which I like to chew when drinking my scotch. Finally, let it all go down with a medium, body warming, mulled wine flavor and whisk you away to a year when the Vikings are watchable in November. I promise it will happen, after you're dead.

Shirtless Viking of the Week

You know what? In honor of Christian Ponder's recent starts and not-suicide-inducing play of late, we're going to feature him this week in all his shirtless glory. This is the original shirtless picture that started it all for us, as Ponder was just a young chap, tossing practice balls in the hot July sun, with his shirt off. Those were better times, my friends, better times.

Vikings Redskins

Draft Positioning Predictions

Honestly, I'm a little worried about this game. It's one of those scenarios where you feel SO SURE that we're going to lose, that we may just end up winning. I mean, if I'm feeling that confident in a loss, you know the players are at least thinking about some of that too, which in turn may loosen them up and allow them to play well. Sure, the R-Words have won more games than us this year and are probably in a better shape overall from a talent stand point, but who knows? Maybe RG3 has one of his weird games where his knee-owie acts up and he throws a billion interceptions to Marcus Sherels. Then Adrian Peterson goes over to him later and points at his knee and laughs at him and calls him a pussy for taking so long to heal. Maybe.

I mean, I hope that doesn't happen though. Honestly, at this point, I'm hoping we lose out completely for that number one draft pick. At this point, any win is detrimental to those efforts, especially considering how bad Tampa Bay and Jacksonville both are, and how their needs in the draft are much the same as ours – or, at the very least, they also just need a quarterback who doesn't suck. So we need to lose these losable games and stay on target, Red Leader. Let's hope they can do it.

Enjoy the game? We'll have a game thread up later to talk about how much things suck, and share tasting notes from our respective scotches. See you then.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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