Onion Report: Adrian Peterson Re-Tears ACL In Preparation for 2013 Season

Adrian Peterson Smiling

Lauded sports journalist source, The Onion, has broken an exclusive story about one of the Minnesota Vikings – and the NFL's – most popular players, running back Adrian Peterson.

In a statement released this week, Peterson has confirmed that in order to be prepared for the 2013 NFL season, ready to come back better than ever and not only break Eric Dickerson's single season rushing record but to CRUSH it, he has intentionally tore the LCL and PCL in his knee in hopes that a repeat of the injury will bring a repeat of 2012's success

From the breaking news report:

Hoping to improve upon the remarkable feat of rushing for the second most yards in NFL history a year after tearing his ACL in the final week of 2011, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson announced Sunday that he has intentionally torn his ACL again and will undergo reconstructive knee surgery later this week. “It worked last year on the left knee, so I’m trying the other one this year,” said Peterson, whose intense dedication to offseason recovery has earned him the reputation of “rehab rat” among his teammates. “It’s hard to get over that playoff loss, but immediately after, I got right back to work and tore my ACL. If I was just eight yards short of the record last year, I’m thinking that rupturing my LCL and PCL this offseason should put me over the top.” Peterson, who confirmed that he had found the best postseason regimen to stay on top of his game, announced plans for a new football camp where the Pro Bowl running back will show young players the best way to damage their knees by hacking away at their ligaments with scissors.

As a Vikings fan, I am excited to hear this wonderful news. With two devastating knee injuries in such a close time frame, and with the results of one knee injury already in the bag, fans should expect nothing but the best in 2013. The best news? Peterson's dedication has encouraged other players on the roster to get back to "what worked" for many of them:

- Harvin has vowed to smoke more weed and have more temper tantrums

- Phil Loadholt, if resigned, promised he WILL eat the lowest drafted rookie in 2013

- Christian Ponder said he'll stop this whole marriage thing and go back to being a bachelor, and playing shirtless

- Leslie Frazier promised to take a hat tip, resign from his position to become defensive coordinator, and hire anyone else as head coach but Brad

- John David Booty promised to come back to Minneapolis to do something, but he forgot what it was, was pretty sure it had to do with Funyons though, and maybe hanging out at the Russian Art Museum before heading to Ely during the cold to hunt Sasquatches, but he's not sure.

In other words? Super Bowl in 2013 or bust.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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