Mark Morrison REMIX!
As Christian Ponder threw the DEEPEST ball possible he could in his entire life, and watched as it fluttered 30 yards deep and then died at the five yard line to become the the farting balloon flying across the room someone let go at a birthday party of Hail Mary's in the NFL, I couldn't help think that Vikings fans have seen this whole scenario before. I remember the Detroit Lions in week one, Jay Cutler "heroics" in week two, the god damn Cleveland Browns making a mockery of us, half-wit Ben Roethlisberger six seconds away from doing the same thing, and all I could think of was Mark Morrison singing a remixed version of "Return of the Mack" with "Return of the Crap" … And I realized I just didn't care. I mean, so what, the Vikings win this game, and what happens? The players feel good about themselves? Leslie Frazier isn't depressed for a week won't be concerned about losing his job? What good does that do? We'd lose draft pick positioning, and a win would mean nothing. The season was done at 0-3, so why would 2-6 be some cool thing for us? So, whatever. The players were competent for a while and then the coaches screwed everything up because they probably got a call from Rick Spielman saying "HEY, we're playing for draft position here, you idiots, don't mess this up", and then the Vikings lost, and it was the only positive thing they have done this season.
But, for like 50 minutes, this was a pretty cool Vikings game!
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval
Without question, the guys that get the poop stamp this week are the Vikings coaches. They amazingly called a hell of a game plan for 50 minutes of the game, and then reverted to their own moronic play calling and tendencies in the last couple of drives which allowed the Cowboys to play hero ball and drop an L on us. If there is no other reason for the coaches to get fired than today, I think that's probably fine. Today, by itself, was a fireable offense. Forget the Giants loss, which they had two weeks to prepare for. Forget the Packers embarrassment. This game, by itself, would make any rational person go "Oh yeah, they f*cked up at the end. That coach should be fired." And if it's any consolation, they will be. It just won't be until the end of the year. But hey! If this game is also any indication, there is apparently some talent on this team that a GOOD coaching staff could use, and help them win. So, who's looking forward to that?!
Things Blowing Up
However, if the Vikings players have anything to say about getting the coaches fired, it will likely happen a lot earlier than the end of the year. Reports out of the Vikings locker room after the game make it sound like several players already started calling out the play calling during the fourth quarter, question why the team let up, allowing the Cowboys to get back into the game. This, of course, is awesome to hear, because screw you, coaches. You stopped playing the game, which is just dumb. You think your team is good enough to just play a little Prevent Defense and waltz home with the win? You morons. You were barely good enough to beat the Steelers in foreign soil. Go home, you forgot how to coach.
Purple Jesus Smiles Upon You
On the plus side, Adrian Peterson looked like his old self again, which was nice to see. I don't know why, but when Phil Loadholt went out, the offensive line looked to play better. Now, I know that's not 100% accurate. Peterson was busting some solid gains throughout the entire game, but Jamarcus Webb stepped in at right tackle (remember, he's on the team?) and played admirably. Either way, whatever. Peterson largely did this all himself, and he's a cool man, and if this team ever breaks his heart again like they did today by losing, in front of his ENTIRE family, I'll burn some shit, I swear to god.
Nipples and Notes
What other ridiculous crappola happened Sunday? Lots! So let's dig in:
– If you take a look at the game photos on Vikings.com from the Cowboys/Vikings game, you'll find that there are almost more pictures of the Cowboys' cheerleaders than there are of the team itself. Surprising? Not when you're 1-7.
– Honestly? I didn't think Ponder played that bad. He actually made a couple of throws I was impressed with. However, please note they were only impressive because HE, himself, has never made throws like that, they aren't impressive because there wasn't an NFL QB out there who couldn't also make them. He still had a bad interception and had that fumble in the end zone, but he actually just looked better out there, if that's possible. Less frazzled, more steady, but still disappointing.
– Blair Walsh's hamstring really has to be screwed up for him to miss an extra point and for the team not to let him try a 50+ yard field goal. Which sucks. When Little Big Leg is down with an injury on the year, you may as well just fold it up. Nothing good is coming from the season anymore.
– Star defensive end Jared Allen's stat line read like this: 1 solo tackle. …. Boy, good thing we held on to him at the trade deadline, huh?
– AJ Jefferson had an interception, Marcus Sherels led the team in tackles, Josh Robinson provided good coverage. So, I guess you could say hell froze over and this was our last chance at getting a win this season.
Shoulder Shrugging Haiku
Toot, toot! Horn, blow, toot!
Oh, just teaching the Vikings
About blowing it.
Boy, I bet you love Vikings football so much that you just can't WAIT to jump right back into it on Thursday night against the Redskins, huh?! Should be fun! Half the team is now injured, our squad is awful, and we get to face an equally disappointing R-Word team. Who's tuning in?! *Shoots self*