Let The Toilet Bowl Commence!
*BUM BUM BUM BUM, DUH DUH, DUH DUH, BUM BUM BUM BUUM!, DUH DUH, DUH DUH, BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUUUM, DUUUH, DUUUH, DUUUH, DUUUH, DUUUUUUHHHHHHHH, DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH!*
*ESPN Football news fades into the screen*
WELCOME for a very special edition of Monday Night Football on a Sunday afternoon. It's days like this where you realize just how lucky you are to be a football fan, when a sports media conglomerate like ESPN throws caution to the wind and reschedules their entire football line up this weekend so that we can bring ALL of America the best, most exclusive game seen in recent memory. That's right, for this one weekend only, all ESPN personalities are on deck to bring you exclusive national coverage of the game of the week – nay – the game of the MILLENNIUM, as the best worst teams to play in the NFL come face to face this weekend. Yes, we'll be heading to Minnesota as the 0-2 Cleveland Browns mope into town to play against the 0-2 Minnesota Vikings. Both of these teams have a lot riding on this game, with both teams making personnel moves to prove it. The Browns are so desperate to lose this game that they traded their star running back mid-week, and have decided to start their third string quarterback against a terrible Vikings defense. While a bold move, certainly, the Vikings have decided to counter by remaining steadfast and continuing to play incumbent quarterback Christian Ponder, which normally would be a clear securement of a loss.
Will these bold moves work out? Will both teams find a way to lose? Who will remain untarnished in their win-column, and move on to 0-3? Find out, on Monday Night Sunday Afternoon Football!
*DUH DUH DUH DUH!*
Thanks to FRANSCRAM at Rube Chat for another Game Day Preview graphic!
But Really, What The Hell, Cleveland?
What a god damn dumpster fire that place is. Can you imagine? "Nah, Adrian Peterson only set the single game rushing record in his rookie year, we better trade him for a first round pick in year two." What kind of morons are running this clown show? And Hoyer? Why even have Jason Campbell on the roster if you're not going to play him? I mean, I know why, you're trying to steal that number one draft pick from us which is garbage, but you might as well save yourself some money then in the process and just cut him. I mean, I was worried that he would actually play and beat us … Except, wait … That would be good for draft picks, so … It's so confusing. I guess in fairness, I've always liked the design of their uniforms (I'm a sucker for the brown and orange and the old classic Brownies logo), and if you're going to make a trade like this, I guess you at least better get a first round pick for the player. I mean, the Vikings got a first round (and other worthless picks) for Percy Harvin, and Harvin is actually good! So maybe they didn't make out so bad, and no exactly what they're doing. Classic case of a move being so stupid it may be brilliant.
2013 Trap Game??!
And when I say "trap" game, I don't mean a game played by "traps" like the ones you find in a nudie bar in Phuket, I mean a game that the team may think is an easy one to win, so they play relaxed, and then they end up losing. Obviously, when you're 0-2 on the season, you can't afford to take any team lightly, because all signs point to you actually sucking too. But this is the Vikings we're talking about, so you never know. How embarrassing would that be? Lose to the 0-2 Browns at home, then go travel to London and probably lose, and then wait and feel like a a guy who needs Cialis all the time for a week until you get to play again. Ho boy, for the psyche of the people around me, we better actually win this weekend.
Time to Revisit the Ban Hammer
And we probably will. I mean, trap game or not, how do you not win this game if you're even halfway trying? At home, with Adrian Peterson on the roster, against a Browns team that's trying to mail bomb itself. Should be a shoe in. In fact, it should be a game where Peterson flashes his glory from the 2009 season opener when he dropped the Ban Hammer on Eric Wright, pretty much castrating him in the process. I feel some more of this coming on this weekend, especially after he was talking about how he was running "timid" last weekend, and after being more or less shut down for two week straight. I wouldn't want to be on his bad side right now, but, here you are Browns. Best of luck.
Meme of the Week
After a grip of depressing weeks to start the NFL season, and despite my insistence that Ponder is an awful quarterback and will lead us into a rabbit hole of doom before he's done, AND despite my desire to already have us start working the losses to secure a top draft pick in 2014 because I know of the aforementioned statement, I still could go for a good old Vikings ass kicking on Sunday. So odd! So essentially, this Spider Man Meme is describing how I feel right now about Vikings football, at least for one weekend. ENTER ME, VIKINGS WIN.
Scotch of the Week
For this week's scotch we take you to the Southern Highlands and a newly re-opened and retrofitted distillery called Tullibardine and their 2004 Aged Oak Edition. Tullibardine sits in a unique microclimate of the Southern Highlands, where water makes all the difference. As they are newer, they also haven't aged their scotch perhaps as much as others, but this 2004 variant comes in nice and simple. It has a nose of light, floral notes, and even hints of lilac, and a buttery cask influence. It is fragrant on the tongue, too (like eating out a dandelion), with bits of vanilla and lots of jasmine. It finishes sweet and short, making it easier to stomach than another fart sound from a Vikings game. This would be a lesser known, easier scotch to get into if you were ever looking for one.
Shirtless Viking of the Week
Feast your eyes and work your hands to this picture of Everson Griffen this weekend. Ladies, imagine those massive shoulders bear hugging you and hauling you to safety during an avalanche, where they then massage the knots in your own shoulders while the two of you are snowed in for the weekend. Guys, ask yourself what the hell, who even has muscles there and isn't that weird and unnatural and why can't I stop staring? That should be enough for all parties involved.
Alright, in fairness, I think we win this game. I don't know if it will be easy or not, but I do know it will probably be boring. Maybe something like 31-17? Sure. But regardless we'll win, and largely, because of Adrian Peterson. And that sucks, because Peterson will play so well that Ponder won't have to do much, and he'll end up looking mediocre again, which Ponderpologists will say is evidence enough that he's improving and we should keep him around, and then we'll have to go on and have this stupid conversation for another week, asking ourselves is he or isn't he the quarterback of the future for the team, even when there are SO many of us that know he isn't and none of you stupid sheet stainers will listen to us! …. I think that was a run on sentence, but you probably get my drift. But enough of that. For one night, let's put all this childish bickering aside, forget that you're wrong on this argument for like three hours, and just enjoy a Vikings win.
Unless a win doesn't happen, then awwww yiisss, we gon' burn shit.
Enjoy the game folks.