So, the 2013 season for the Minnesota Vikings is over. It is. Just admit that and move on with your life. The team is toast, they've lost to the worst team in the league in the last several decades, our quarterback is awful, and there is no hope to find anywhere. It's more depressing that watching teenagers wearing saggy pants and backwards hats and thinking about how they are going to be the future.
But with every dark point in your life comes a bright moment, a new door, so to speak. And that bright light for Vikings fans is the future, of course. Not the present. Definitely not the present. But in the future, things look bright! We'll have a different quarterback, maybe a better offensive line, but most certainly a new coaching staff. And that's pretty exciting.
So while the 2013 season burns in a pile of fertilizer at the local compost site in Ramsey County, let's turn our cheeks the other way and think kindly on something we brought up in yesterday's recap, who should the next coach of the Minnesota Vikings be?
What We Need
Let's establish this first. What we need in Minnesota is some personality again. Whether it was Denny Green and his drum set, Mike Tice and his stupid pencil, Randy Moss hitting cops with his car, Bryant McKinnie munching stripper cooch, whatever … We were only ever successful and we were entertaining, and this 2013 squad is likely the least entertaining group of players ever assembled. I still blame Childress. But to fix it, we can also start with a head coach. We need a coach who – over the next two years – is going to embrace the weirdness that is going to be a young offense, playing outdoors in a college stadium, and embodies the Minnesotan no-nonsense attitude. Think a burlier Rick Adelman. You don't perform? Go f*ck yourself. Sit on the bench. Ref screws you? Welp, that ref is dead. Good bye to your family, friend. THAT'S what we need in a head coach.
So Who Are the Coaching Candidates?
If it were up to me, it would begin and end with Bill Cowher. I don't know if he even wants to come back to football, honestly, but could you think of any other coach that would fit the bill as well as him? He would use Peterson correctly like a battering ram, pummeling defenses into a bloody mess every single game. He would whip that defense into shape in a hurry, or that defense would be murdered, no question. He would enjoy playing out in the snow in Minnesota for two years, then spending some elder seasons in a fancy new stadium. It's a perfect set up. He's also an east coast kind of guy, with a Rust Belt attitude (whatever that superfluous statement actually means), and I could totally see the Wilf's going nuts for that kind of coach. So, Cowher it is.
OK, But Who Else?
Assuming Cowher is smart and stays in a heated room announcing football games from here on out, who are other candidates to consider? Here are some names for you:
Adam Gase, Offensive Coordinator for the Broncos: Who? I don't know. I looked some rando's up quick and his name came up. But he's worked under Nick Saban, Mike Martz, and now is basically being coached by Peyton Manning. Granted, he could go the Josh McDaniels route and flame out when his quarterback isn't a Manning sibling, or, he could continue to run an outstanding offense and shock the league. YOU CHOOSE!
David Shaw, Head Coach at Stanford: Want a college guy to jump to the pros? Check out the Jim Harbaugh understudy David Shaw. He's a bad dude who has run a pro-style offense for Andrew Luck, and had it continue successfully for whatever warm body they have back there now, too. Not bad. Hopefully he gets here after Toby Gerhart has been traded, though.
Charlie Strong, Head Coach at Louisville: Any guy that can get the Louisville Cardinals football program ranked in the top 10 in the country is deserving a look. Strong has worked with that asshole Urban Meyer in Florida for a while, and while he IS an asshole, he is also a good coach and probably passed on some good lessons. There's also been rumors about him foregoing another college job for the NFL, so who knows.
VIKTOR the VIKING, Mascot for the Vikings: If we're tossing out names, why not VIKTOR the VIKING? He's obviously passionate about his job, has the trust and respect of the players already, and is so high on drugs all the time that he's probably thinking up all sorts of crazy ass formations and defensive schemes for a team. I'd give him a shot, and just pay him in coke.
Chris Kluwe, Unemployed Punter: Think he's hankering for a job? Well … Probably not. But I would definitely hire him. For some reason, he's been watching the Vikings games this year and commenting about them on Twitter, and he is by far and away the smartest person talking about Vikings football this season. And we would have the best guitar playing head coach in the league. Probably. I could imagine Andy Reid's fat fingers playing a mean bass.
So? Did we miss anyone? Tell us who you're looking forward to as the Vikings head coach in 2014.