Well. That escalated quickly.
Chris Kluwe wrote an NFL retirement announcement of sorts Thursday in a post to Deadspin, where he outlined detailed notes and interactions he had with four members of the Minnesota Vikings franchise that he suspects led to his release due to his public stand in support of gay marriage in Minnesota. It gets pretty graphic. It notable focuses on Special Teams' coach Mike Priefer, who is made to sound like a bigot, but provides notes on then-head coach Leslie Frazier and GM Rick Spielman, who come off as cowardly, timid, and powerless. Amazingly, the fourth person mentioned is owner Zygi Wilf, who comes out of this whole thing looking like John the f*cking Baptist or some shit, which is amazing considering he just swindled millions of dollars from us all for a "public" stadium for his team. I actually like him a lot more for his quote in the article. It's pretty sweet.
If you haven't read Kluwe's expose, go do so, and then come back here and let's all laugh at how absolutely dumb this franchise is, by highlighting the 10 favorite things we learned about this whole laundry airing.
1. I learned Chris Kluwe is probably not lying.
Assholes want to run their mouth and conclude "Kluwe has an agenda he wants to roll with. He's a bitter little bitch who was making too much money and couldn't compete with the big boys anymore. So, now that he's not in the spot light anymore, he wants to share this fake story about a homophobe who was just speaking his mind." That is such complete horseshit. Chris Kluwe, who genuinely seems like a solid person, with solid beliefs, is thoughtful concerning other humans, and doesn't have a history of lying as far as any of us knows, is just going to make up this outlandish story and print in publicly in what he knows is going to be a dumpster fire? Sure, that makes sense. And – please be honest with me – as you were reading his account, you didn't stop each and every time and say to yourself, "Yup, a hot head jack ass sounds just like Priefer always yelling on the sidelines. Yup, the wishy-washy head coach squirming in his seat when confronted with controversy sounds like Leslie. Oh, the grown adult who can't capitalize his text messages or share thoughts in complete sentences is picking our next head coach and has bumbled his way through two NFL franchises screwing them to death? Rick Spielman!" Come on. Is it really hard to believe a talented team that went 3-13, 10-6, then 5-10-1 over three years MAY just be run by a bunch of morons? This is all way to believable to be some elaborate lie. There is definitely some kind of truth behind this all.
2. I learned the Minnesota Vikings have an embarrassingly poor PR team.
What kind of professional corporation, one of 32 in the public eye, runs a PR campaign to respond to this controversy like the Vikings did? What kind of amateur asshole though it would be a good idea to have numerous players copy and paste a message in support of a guy who just got called a bigot on their Twitter accounts? That is the most complete and embarrassingly transparent PR move I have ever seen. Their original team statement would have been plenty, and people would have f*cking forgot about it. Now, you have people walking around slapping dicks in their face and embarrassing themselves. Way to go, team, you idiots. The product on AND off the field both sucks! Who knew?!
3. I learned that our special teams' coverage sucked, so why does Priefer get praise?
In Kluwe's article, he elaborates on how Priefer threw the entire special teams' unit under the bus by saying they all "sucked", and he needed Kluwe to kick the ball higher – not farther – to help these losers out, essentially. You know what? I believe that statement. Because you know who we had on that 2012 special teams' unit? Good players like Audie Cole, Rhett Ellison, Everson Griffen, and others. They were all guys the coaches buried on the depth chart, who should have been playing bigger minutes probably, who the coaches failed to realize had talent. So no, I'm not surprised Mike Priefer had no clue what the eff he was doing with anyone, and that our special teams' coverage sucked because of it. Our whole coaching staff sucked. And the only reason Priefer has gotten any accolades over the last several years is because he was gifted talented receivers in Harvin and Patterson who have said "F*CK IT" numerous times and ran the ball out of the endzone 9 yards deep, only to do amazing things with it because of their athleticism. AND, when you have a defense as shitty as the Vikings over the last three years, those guys are going to end up getting A LOT of return opportunities, you know? So, congrats, Priefer, on coaching for an awful team.
4. I learned Mike Priefer's son is a little shit head.
Mike Priefer eventually came out and talked about how he TOTALLY would never use homophobic language like he was being accused of using. SooooooOoOOoooOO, I guess that's just something your son picked up and used on Twitter from all those bad influences at school, right? He must suffer from Affluenza.
5. I found I'm even more OK with Leslie Frazier being fired.
I've been on the fence about Leslie Frazier being fired. On one hand, he's an awful head coach. On the other, he seems like a nice old grandpa, so that's cool. However, if any part of Kluwe's account is accurate, then Frazier comes off as a terrible, waffling moron who can't handle real controversy on his team, and it was obvious he (and really, all these coaches) had to walk. His awkwardness in trying to get Kluwe to stop talking about gay marriage – despite owner Zygi Wilf not giving a shit – is completely embarrassing. Completely. Can't you just imagine him making that face above the whole time? What a glass of tap water.
6. I discovered Vikings fans are total idiots.
Kluwe's story was totally one sided. The teams' and all coaches and players statements are the other side. But the fact that numerous Vikings fans ended up IMMEDIATELY bashing Kluwe as some fame whore looking for more attention despite some PREEEETTAAYYY serious allegations is disgusting. Honestly. It's assholes like those fans who were out in force on the internet yesterday that make me hate humanity and make me wish that the favorite team we all love in the Vikings lose forever, because you assholes don't make a winning team worth it. Sure, let's instantly support the guy who *allegedly* just proposed to nuke an island full of gays. That'll look good on your resume, you f*cks.
7. I learned Mike Priefer is probably an idiot.
Because only an idiot – who was just publicly marred as a bigot – would use the line "I personally have gay family members" in his public statement trying to make himself look good. Oh, really Priefer? Just got tons of gay family members now? Nephews who probably hang out and just have so much fun with your son? Was one of your best friends a black kid too who you knew down the street? Please, tell me more. I mean, good lord man, this is the absolute worst line to use, and you used it proudly. Why not just say "I would never call those queers gays!" and be done with it?
8. I learned Mike Priefer has some messed up genocide wet dreams.
Seriously … if there is even like a 1% chance truth that Mike Priefer said anything even resembling "We should round up all the gays, send them to an island, and then nuke it until it glows", he probably deserves all the trouble coming his way. That's messed up, man. That's on some Hitler level shit. "I just hate gay people so much!" would sound like you were willing to give our $2 blowies in comparison.
9. I learned this franchise is still run poorly.
Kluwe's accusations that no one contacted him between the offseason and when he was pretty much released is probably easy to verify. Look at emails, phone records, that kind of shit. If true, what the hell kind of franchise are you running, Vikings? Your incumbent punter is sent to the pound to die before you even know of his replacement? You're so pissed at him for being a unique sparklepony that you will grab at straws and waste 5th round draft picks on punters to get rid of him, but not tell him or talk to him because you dislike him? What is he, a leper? What are you, the Lions? They appear more functional now after this debacle. Consider that shit show for a moment.
10. I learned that the fun is just beginning.
Fun being subjective, of course. The truth is that this mess is just starting. Everyone could go to court, everyone could draw this process out, everyone can wait to see what happens to Leslie Frazier, Rick Spielman, and Mike Priefer, to see if they secure real jobs in the near future, if they have to eat crow shit and admit they ran a crap house for three years, or maybe Kluwe is some amazing liar-magician. Either way, just when you thought there was nothing to entertain you now that the season is over, you've got something on your plate. Let's enjoy it, shall we?