With Minnesota Vikings football all wrapped up in the Metrodome, the franchise is apparently looking for an extra buck they can get from Vikings fans, as they have decided to sell off the familiar blue plastic seats that adorned the facility for all these years. Yes, the very ones, the hard, scratchy, plastic seats covered in gum, beer, farts, and sadness, are up for sale, so you can always have a piece of disappointment available to you whenever you want. Put it in your basement, maybe. Or even out in your garage, as like a work bench. Maybe by the fire pit! Or in the trash can, even! Probably the best idea.
But a used Metrodome chair? Dumb. I will gladly glance askew at any person who buys one of these things, because to own such an item would be ridiculous. We've already talked about how owning (or rather, stealing) ANYTHING from the Metrodome sounds like a real dumb idea, but the world is full of dumb ideas. To change the world, you just have to make those dumb ideas LESS dumb sometimes.
So that's what we'd propose here: Less dumb ideas of things you could sell off in the Metrodome for profit.
A Dome Dog Bucket
You know those things, the big 5 gallon buckets that sit kind of hidden away in the corner of a concession stand, but not hidden enough that you don't actually see it, frothing over with pork butt juice, grimy with month old hot dogs settling in brine. It would be a better addition to your wreck room than a hard, old chair. Think about it; You could use it as a bucket to hold popcorn (Cleaning it out is optional)! Or turn it over and drum on it during intense Vikings games! Or throw up in it when you are hung over! It's versatile, and carries sentiment, a way better auction item then a chair.
You know, the bathroom stall. THE Bathroom Stall. You could probably buy the entire set up, old toilet and all, that the famous wine-drunk wife from Iowa got banged in. It likely still smells of smegma and sex, which has to linger a long time in stall paint, and you may even get a free roll of toilet paper out of the deal, too. That can't be overlooked. May only be one-ply, but you've already bought a bathroom stall some people fornicated in whilst in public, so beggars can't be choosers.
The Strip of Teflon Roof
Did the Vikings already get rid of the entire teflon roof when it fell under heavy pressure from snow? Because they shouldn't have. That main piece of the Dome that broke under the pressure, and first allowed all of the snow to come blowing in and crush the dreams of this franchise, should actually be enshrined somewhere. It should be a trophy of the sun setting on a dark era for this franchise, which will see light again with a new stadium, a new coach, and maybe a few wins. That piece of roof is something I'd pay for.
An Exit Door That Blows You Out
Right?! You know, the exit doors you take when you're leaving the Metrodome that blow you 30 feet from the door, and wind sweep the tears off your face before the public can see them outside of the stadium? Those doors. Even just one set. Sure, when you get them home they may not actually blow you out of them when you use them, because it only worked through science stuff, and the stadium being inflated, and whatever, but I'm sure doctors or whoever will figure out how to add that feature to your home in no time, making the purchase of this door totally worth it.
Sideline Pee Towels
Sure, people get used player gloves or cleats thrown to them, or maybe they sign up for a free jersey signed by their favorite player, or some other item actually used by the players on the field in the Metrodome … But has anyone ever received a pee towel? One of the sideline towels players use to urinate in during the game so they don't have to run to the locker rooms? It would carry the scent of electrolytes and "swag", too! Totally worth it!
Brett Favre's Career
Just kidding. He died on the TCF Bank Stadium turf. My bad.
What did we miss? What else would you consider buying out of the Metrodome?