plush adrian peterson close up

Did the Purple Jesus Get Resurrected as a Plush Toy?

WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS.

As if getting betrayed by your closest bro wasn’t enough. As if having to hang on a cross/goal post and bleed out for your followers/fans wasn’t enough. As if being locked away in a three day/year hell inside a tomb/Metrodome wasn’t BAD ENOUGH, some idiot had to go and make false idols of our beloved Purple Jesus, Lord and Savior, Carrier of Football.

WHEN WILL THESE HORRORS END!

plush adrian peterson

This “cute plush toy” was shared on Twitter last week before Easter Sunday, and I feel like if the real Purple Jesus would have seen this, he wouldn’t have come out of his tomb then. Like what is this thing? Let me count off all the monstrosity of things that are wrong with this gift/toy:

  1. First, the toy is wearing the wrong jersey style. What is this, 2012?! COME ON!
  2. Why is there a football where his mouth should be? Is he like a Mr. Potato Head or something? … Wait, that IS his mouth?! Is this some kind of sick racial joke, you ANIMALS??!
  3. Then if that’s his mouth, why did they decide to leave a gaping scar/hole in his neck? Didn’t bleed him out enough during his first crucifixion, huh? And I’m assuming that has to be an open wound or something, because there is no way a plush toy maker would make some chin beard look that ugly.
  4. His nose looks like a butt crack.
  5. His junk area looks like a tiger’s paw.
  6. “Bleacher Creatures” are a baseball thing in New York City. This is football, in Minnesota. We don’t even have bleachers, you morons.
  7. Is this supposed to be made for kids? Are you TRYING to give children nightmares?

Overall, I pray that none of you actually ended up with this type of a gift on Sunday. And apologies for taking yesterday off. It’s hard work writing blog posts after you’ve been locked away with your inspiration for three days, you know? #JaBless

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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