The offseason is a horrible, horrible time for NFL fans, especially when your Minnesota Vikings aren't in the Super Bowl. It's cold outside, you hate cheering for other teams to win, and the draft isn't for MONTHS still. So what to do? Hit that Netflix machine and review movies with "Harrison Smith." Harrison Smith is in quotations, because these are parody reviews, dummies, although I would bet Harrison would love this film …
MOVIE: Once Upon a Time in the West, currently streaming on Netflix.
STARRING: An ethnically ambiguous Charles Bronson, a sadly decaying Henry Fonda, and a sultry Claudia Cardinale, who's like a grandma now, but that's OK.
BASIC PLOT: Charles Bronson plays wily old gun slinger Harmonica who wears a hat, might be Mexican, and – naturally – blows through a harmonica to announce his gun slinging ways. Claudia Cardinale (total babe, I might add) plays Jill McBain (MCBAIN!! lol!), a widowed lady who doesn't take any gruff shit, and might have been a hooker in New Orleans. I was a little fuzzy on that detail. Henry Fonda plays Frank, an outlaw who wears a black trench coat, so you can tell he's the bad guy. There is some gun fighting and train robbing as Harmonica teams up with Cheyenne (Jason Robards) to protect the hooker's land from the black trench coat guy. DRAW!! lol!
THE GOOD: I thought this movie was sweet, bro. Charles Bronson is a bone chilling bad ass who doesn't say too much when he's doing his job, kind of like me out on the football field. He hits hard, and never forgets a vendetta (you'll know what I mean when you get to the big reveal at the end, which is sweet because of all the dramatic close up shots on faces looking ready to fight someone). I'd say I'm definitely like Bronson, but in attitude only, as I can't claim ambiguous Mexican heritage, in a movie or on the field. Maybe if I claimed I was raised by Thor or something though, lol! The movie does a good job though of raising the stakes, and offers some killer scenic shots in the old west. I don't know why the Arizona Cardinals aren't called the Arizona Outlaws or something? The Arizona Bronsons? Maybe they are saving that name for when New Mexico gets a team.
Oh, the soundtrack was killer too. Perfect "High Noon" showdown type music. WAIT, IS THAT WHY WE PLAY FOOTBALL GAMES AT NOON??! Start at the 5:00 minute mark for the best one:
THE BAD: I don't know, maybe it was me, but I didn't really get it? Why was Henry Fonda hanging that guy at the end? Why did Henry Fonda look so weird then? Why didn't Harmonica kill Fonda in the city? Why couldn't we see like just one tit from Claudia? I mean, I wouldn't have minded it, even if I now know that she's older and it doesn't look like that anymore. I can suspend my understanding of time for her. And speaking of, why was Bronson like roughing her up when they first met? That was dumb.
THE AMAZING: Right at the beginning, when Bronson plays his harmonica and guns down three dudes waiting at the train station, you are like, "OH YEAH, SOMEONE'S BRINGING THE HITS! I'M GOING TO GET JACKED FOR THIS FILM!" The movie just came hitting hard, like going over the middle on Calvin Johnson and giving him a concussion, lol!
VERDICT: Love it! I give this four safety hits out of five! Check it out on Netflix streaming right now.