This past Tuesday, amidst a Snownami of ill repute, Cincinnati Bengals defensive coordinator, Mike Zimmer, received a second interview with the Minnesota Vikings in hopes to become their new head coach. He was seen early boarding a flight from Cincinnati (originally thought to just be leaving, because holy shit, Ohio), and was later seen being delivered to Winter Park in Minnesota (Video below!).
But beyond that, details of the interview have been sparse. Early speculation last week indicated Zimmer would only accept a head coaching position where he would have full control of player personnel decisions as well, essentially rendering current GM Rick Spielman's daily tasks moot (as if they weren't already). Since then, no word has crept out of the door, aside from the fact that Zimmer is a heavy favorite to land the job, thanks to his second interview.
Well, thanks to the amazing connections that Purple Jesus Diaries has access to, we've been granted details on how parts of the second interview between Rick Spielman and Mike Zimmer went this week. Details after the jump …
Rick Spielman: Hi Mike, thank you so much for coming in for a second interview. It's truly an honor. I'm excited to hear more about you and your qualifications that would make you the next great coach for the Minnes …
MIKE ZIMMER: LISTEN HERE YOU WEASEL SHIT THIS IS HOW THINGS ARE GOING TO WORK YOU ARE GOING TO SIT DOWN SHIT YOUR PANTS AND STOP LYING THROUGH YOUR ROTTING TEETH BY TAKING CREDIT FOR DRAFT PICKS EVEN SHAWN ZOBEL COULD GET RIGHT AND YOU ARE GOING TO HIRE ME AND I'M GOING TO WIN A GOD DAMN SUPER BOWL AND YOU ARE GOING TO RIDE MY COAT TAILS AND SHUT YOUR POP TART, DO YOU HEAR ME TURTLE FART?
RS: Uh, yes sir, uh, Mr. Zimmer, I just … I was just wondering if I could ask my ques …
MZ: ASK YOUR DUMBASS QUESTIONS ALREADY YOU DUMBASS WE BOTH KNOW I'M GOING TO TAKE THIS JOB AND CHOKE THE MONEY LOAD OUT OF IT LIKE YOUR SON WATCHING BETTY BOOP CARTOONS SO LETS RUN THROUGH YOUR SONG AND DANCE YOU ASS CLOWN, I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY I HAVE A ROSTER TO OVERTURN.
RS: Oooh, OK. Thank you for this opportunity, uh … Mr. Coach. Can … Can I ask why you are looking for a head coaching job in the National Football Lea …
MZ: ARE YOU GOD DAMN KIDDING ME YOU BOX FACE WHY WOULDN'T I WANT THIS JOB I DELEGATE TO SEALS WHO DO THE DIRTY WORK I GET ALL THE GLORY AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY ME RIDICULOUS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS YOU ARE SUCH A FEEBLE SOUP FOR BRAINS NEXT QUESTION.
RS: *wets pants* Um … Why are you looking to leave your current position with the Cincin …
MZ: I KNOW WHERE MY CURRENT POSITION IS YOU PENCIL DICK I'M LEAVING BECAUSE WHO THE HELL WANTS TO LIVE IN CINCINNATI OHIO I'M LOOKING TO GET OUT FOR THE SAME DAMN REASON BOOTSY COLLINS LEFT BECAUSE I GOT FUNK IN MY SOUL AND BECAUSE OHIO SUCKS AND NO ONE WANTS TO WORK UNDER MARVIN LEWIS GOOD LORD.
RS: Uh … What would you do to improve the team in Minn ..
ZM: ARE YOU SHITTING ME NEXT QUESTION.
RS: Um, would you be opposed to letting someone else have control of the roster decisions?
ZM: SHUT UP RICK NEXT QUESTION.
RS: How do you feel about Christian Pon ..
ZM: I SWEAR TO GOD RICK DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW DO I HAVE THE JOB OR WHAT?
RS: We'll be in touch. Please don't kill me.