Jerome Simpson has a bit of a troubled past.
The Minnesota Vikings receiver is in the process of appealing a possible three game suspension from the NFL thanks to a 2013 arrest in which he plead guilty to reckless driving and failure to submit to a chemical test. Basically, he got a DUI and didn’t want the cops to know he was tokin’ the greenery.
This is a problem because Simpson already has a history of drug charges and NFL suspensions, notably from the 2012 season before he signed with the Vikings where he was suspended because of a felony drug charge. Yeah, a felony drug charge. That’s not some pussy shit, mind you. That’s a felony. Jerome Simpson is a felon (right?). He has to alert people when he moves into their neighborhoods that they now have a felon neighbor. Or something. I don’t actually think that’s true. But it’s not good.
So what now? Let’s say Simpson IS suspended. He’ll be gone from the team for three games, allowing a training camp star like Adam Thielen to have an easier shot getting to the regular season roster. It may also mean that – being on a one year contract – the Vikings decide to cut him instead of put up with his headaches, or at the very least, politely decline to re-sign him next year.
But what can Jerome do to ensure he’s still valued as a commodity? Well, he needs to keep working on his craft, that’s for sure. And he’ll need to do it on his own as he’ll be suspended from the team. Therefore, we’ve helped him draft a three week itinerary for when he’s suspended to keep him on track. We present it here:
- Wake up on suspension day one, extremely motivated to stick to your routine of training, focusing on football, and working hard to establish your contributions to the team.
- Think more about how much work that is.
- Masturbate in bed a little bit to procrastinate getting out of bed.
- Fall back asleep until noon.
- Repeat for three days straight.
- Eventually start eating an entire box of Fruit Loops for breakfast (really, brunch) every day
- Smoke just a little bit of weed by day four just to “relax”, as all this planning and lack of activity has driven you stir crazy
- Oops, now we high every day.
- Buy a pound of weed, stop shaving and grooming yourself, hop an Amtrack freight train and make your way to Seattle.
- Eat rats to survive. Smoke weed out of an apple.
- Day 4. Reach Seattle.
- Call Percy Harvin.
- Fish bowl a walk-in cooler.
- Talk to the fish at Pike Place Markets.
- Eat fish tacos.
- Cry when you realize where the fish in the fish tacos came from.
- Travel by hitchhike to Southern California.
- Clothes are rags by now, hanging loosely from your body. Smell of Rasta and patchouli.
- Find John David Booty hanging out with his wife.
- John David Booty is startled.
- Convince him to come out just for an hour to hang out with you.
- He grudgingly accepts. His wife is not happy.
- Join him and go missing for three days in the California forests, smoking weed, talking to squirrels, defending your squatter rights in a commune of other degenerates.
- John David Booty’s wife calls the police.- Police come to bring Mr. Booty home.
- Head back to Minnesota because you’re bored and out of weed.
- Find voice mail left on home phone from Mike Zimmer.
- “JEROME! YOUR SUSPENSION ENDED TWO WEEKS AGO!”
- Realize it’s actually Week 5.
- “GET YOUR ASS BACK TO FACILITY! WE TRUST IN YOU, SON!”
- Smile because you still high.
- Go to sleep. Will show up tomorrow.
Pretty sure Jerome has this suspension taken care of.