Linval Jospeh, the Minnesota Vikings newest defensive tackle, is a big man. He’s listed as being 6’4″, 328 pounds, and that’s probably a lie. Do defensive tackles lie about their weight like girls do? If so, he’s got to AT LEAST be pushing like 600 then.
But his size and presence in the middle is something the Viking shave not seen since the likes of former defensive tackle Pat Williams. That huge son of a bitch pretty much acted as a 12th man on the field, eating up blockers (literally, sometimes he ate them) and helping the Vikings become a dominant defense. The team decided they didn’t want to re-sign him after the 2010, which ended up being his last in the NFL, even thought hey could have and just had him lay in the middle of the field and be more effective than what we’ve seen the last three years. Because since Pat left, the defense just hasn’t been the same.
But Linval Joseph is here to change all that. Because he’s modeled his game after Pat Williams, with Pat Williams’ advice.
Since signing with the Vikings early in free agency, Joseph has made it plainly known that he has modeled much of his game after the great Pat Williams. Growing up, he said he watched Pat Williams play a lot, and appreciated his physical nature with defenders. He said he wanted to “Be Like Pat” and have a similar impact with the Vikings.
But one can’t just WANT to be like Pat. You have to work to get there. And so to hear what it takes to become Pat Williams, we went straight to the source for a direct quote. Here is the advice Pat Williams gave to Linval Joseph on how to be successful in the NFL, and in Minnesota:
“De fust doodad ah’ told dat new dude, Joseph o’ whuteva’ his dojigger is, be don’t be likes me. You’s kin’t be likes me. I’m Pat Williams. I’m likes Ricky Rubio, I’m not likes any fool else. So’s I told him plum to be himself. Just be Linval Joseph , de dude dat played fo’ de Giants, de dude dat da damn Vikin’s signed. Do dat and ya’’ll be Coo’.
But den ah’ said, “Naw, if ya’ real wanna be baaaad, do dese five doodads”:
- Eat lots uh food. And make sho’ man it’s unhealdy food dat increases yo’ cholesterol and lowers yo’ adletic prowess. It should be food dat weighs ya’ waaay down. If ya’’re not sweatin’ profusely by de dird defensive snap uh de game, ya’’ve done sump’n wrong. What it is, Mama!
- Neva’ listen t’yo’ coaches. ah’ mean, hey, I’m sho’ man dere is some great coaches in de NFL, but dey’ll dig in yo’ ear all de time and say doodads likes “Lock down yo’ defender, side step dis, swim move dat” o’ some bullshit. Man! Don’t listen t’dat, man. ‘S coo’, bro. Just go out dere and whup’ de tar off uh some sucka’s face. It’s dat easy. Slap mah fro!
- Neva’ wear some unifo’m dat be all one colo’. ah’ dun didn’t dig into details, cuz’ I dun didn’t wanna scare da damn kid off, but seriously, do not wear all purple.
- Dietary supplements? Don’t use dem. WORD! You’s don’t need dem. WORD! If ya’’re dinkin’ about dietary supplements, fust, tell Kevin t’shut his damn moud. He needs t’stop wo’ryin’ about whut his goat dinks uh his fat ass and dig back t’ball. Second, go back t’point one. If ya’’re losin’ weight, ya’’re hangin’ it wrong. What it is, Mama!
- Finally, in Minnesota, neva’ turn waaay down some meal fum de supa fine sucka’s dat live dere. Dey is goin’ t’offa’ ya’ some funky shit, and ah’ mean some real funky shit. Man! Lutefisk, tata’ tots, chocolate cakes dat sit on top uh oda’ chocolate cakes. It’s goin’ t’get funky, but oddly enough, it’s goin’ t’be delicious and help ya’ maintain yo’ weight. Man! So’s plum shut down and feed da bud it. Man!
And real, if he duz dat, ah’ dink he’s goin’ t’be fine. ah’ dink de Vikin’s gots’ta some wo’dy playa’ to fill mah’ large kickers. Until he decides t’eat dose too, know whut I’m sayin’?! Right on!”
No, Pat, I’ve never known what you’ve been saying, but bless your fat heart all the same, you brilliant son of a bitch. MISS U.