vikings raiders preseason 2014

PURPLE JESUS DIARIES MASTURBATORY PRESEASON WEEK 1 PREVIEW: OH MY GOD IT’S BACK!

IT’S RETURNED

I’m going to be honest here. If you haven’t been able to tell by the recent activity (or lack thereof) on this blog, and by the types of recent posts, I’m not really ready for football to be back yet. I know, that sounds weird. Not ready for football? Are you a communist? No. Maybe! But this has been a weird year. The summer has felt short, and we haven’t even really had a hot spell yet. I don’t know why that matters, but it does. It’s still so nice outside these days, that the thought of sitting inside watching the Vikings play for three hours a week is kind of depressing. WHAT?! REALLY?! Well, yeah, when the “Vikings” I remember include Leslie Frazier and Chris Cook. But, that’s not the 2014 Vikings. Maybe all it will take is one preseason game for me to realize my sausage is petrified. And that’s good enough to me.

Vikings Raiders Football

THE RAIDERS? OH.

So, excited for football? Good! Because you get to welcome it back by playing your least favorite team, the group of gang busters you love to hate, the … F*cking Raiders? God, AFC teams are the worst. No one cares about the Raiders. Can you even name their coach? I can’t. **Does Google Search** … Dennis Allen? Does he sell kettle corn out on Marquette Avenue? Eat shit, Raiders. No one likes you. Your team is getting moved to San Antonio (probably). San Antonio! As if those land barons need another NFL team in that state. “San Antonio Raiders.” Sounds like a great move, you great fans. I don’t even know who is on your team, or who your quarterback is, but I hope we kick the ever living shit out of you Friday night for no other reason than that you deserve it.

teddy bridgewater training camp 2014

OFFENSE EXCITE

Truly, the “problem” with the Vikings – as a team – hasn’t really been their offense. Their wide receivers, running backs, tight ends, and offensive line are largely the same from last year to this year. There’s more depth and another year of experience, maybe, but not a TON to get that excited about. EXCEPT FOR TITTIES TEDDY. Here’s who to keep an eye on:

TEDDY BRIDGEWATER: Uh, a rookie first round quarterback who we tried to tank all our games for last year so we could pick in the top three? Yeah, I’m a bit excited to see how he performs. Rumor has it he will play a significant portion of the game as well, as you’d imagine, so we’ll have plenty of time to undress him with our eyes.

JERICK MCKINNON: Rookie running back who is largely everything Our Lord and Savior Purple Jesus is not? Sounds cool. Tiny LaDanian, or Mini Sproles. Whatever you want to call him, I want to see this small school player against NFL athletes.

CHRISTIAN PONDER: No, really! #FREEPONDER! I want to see Christian Ponder perform. Is he really as bad as I remember, and think? Has he regressed this offseason? How sh*tty is he going to look playing with third stringers? I CAN’T WAIT!

anthony barr mini camp 2014

DEFENSE EXCITE

Want to talk about the Vikings defense? Dear lord, not really. And I don’t blame you. The Vikings defense was seriously worse than watching your sister walk into a closer with a random stranger at a party. You just know they’re both going to get pounded. But, Mike Zimmer has come to fix your life, and Anthony Barr sounds like the real deal. So who should we watch tonight?

ANTHONY BARR: Highly touted first round rookie linebacker that sounds like he’s thus far lived up to expectations in mini-camp? I mean, could the Vikings really have that kind of luck to hit on two rookies in one draft again? Let’s see how Barr does in coverage as well before we all start blowing each other, though.

JOSH ROBINSON: Robinson is like one of the “veteran” players on the defense now, and that scares me into my brown pants. Is he actually worth anything? Does he really play better on the outside? If Marcus Sherels ousts him, just how bad of shape are we in? Depressingly, a lot rides on Josh Robinson.

JOSEPH LINVAL: There are several guys, all along the defense, to keep your eye on over the next coming weeks, but I really want to see how Linval falls into his role on this defense. Is he Pat Williams of Fred Evans? Is he going to go Blob on people and take on two offensive linemen at once, allowing our revamped defensive line to go Kool Moe Dee on people and go to work? Big money signing has something to prove.

kermit meme

MEME OF THE WEEK

I’m bringing back the “Meme of the Week”, because I feel like there has been some great additions over the last year plus. This week, I want y’all be aware of the “None of My Business” Kermit the Frog meme. It’s a wonderful meme to use when internet arguing, dropping the image into a thread to shut someone up when they’re trying to make a stupid point. Oh, you think trading Kevin Love is a wonderful option because you think he’s a pouty brat who doesn’t deserve a max contract? Well, if it were me, I’d have given him stake in the franchise and bent over backwards if he’d promise to sign a max deal instead of opting out since he’s one of the top three players in the NBA. But … *insert Kermit meme*

guardians of the galaxy small

WATCH OF THE WEEK

Listen, there are other things to watch over the weekend besides Vikings football. There is college football, football recap shows, DVR’d football, and even some movies or TV shows. I don’t know if I’ll do this every week, but I’ll likely occasionally chime in with a viewing recommendation, particularly if this season goes to sh*t and you need something else to watch besides a broken Vikings team. This week, I’m begging you to go watch Guardians of the Galaxy if you haven’t already. It’s the best comedy of the year, and the best space opera since Star Wars: A New Hope. I’d maybe also like to hold Chris Pratt’s finger for an extended period of time.

benriach 16

SCOTCH OF THE WEEK

Need something to drown your sorrows during the Vikings game? I got you covered. Since last year’s scotch recommendations, I’ve been able to explore a wide berth of similarly related scotches of ones I know I like. I haven’t tried all of these, but I’m confident I can offer them as pieces of interest for you. This week, I’m tossing out the BenRiach 16, which is in the same category of flavor profiles as the Balvenie Double Wood, if that gets your mouth salivating. Try it out and let me know if it works to get drunk on.

vikings raiders 2014

BOLD BBQ PREDICTIONS

Oh man, can I guess which group of back ups will suck less?!? IDONTKNOWIDONTKNOWIDONTKNOWHSALKHSDF … If I really had to guess, I’d wager Mike Zimmer isn’t going to put up with any West Coast bull sh*t, and will drop a defensive hammer on the Raiders. First game as a head coach with the Vikings? Zimmer ain’t going to lose this, brah. Promise you that.

Enjoy the game, folks. Come back tonight starting at 6:00 PM for a game thread. We’ll keep all specific game related chatter going on there. Here, let’s talk about how hot Chris Pratt is without a shirt. I LOVE FOOTBALL SEASON!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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