2014 vikings quarterbacks camp bridgewater ponder cassel

Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Preseason Week 3 Preview: Just Start Teddy Already

Week three of the preseason, the Minnesota Vikings are undefeated, and Teddy Bridgewater is pretty much the best quarterback ever in the history of the NFL. So why isn’t he starting already? Well, truthfully, it’s because Matt Cassel’s wife has been coaching her husband up really well this offseason, and he’s performed strongly because of it. Cassel is like the 17th best quarterback in the league right now based on Quarterback rating, which of course doesn’t mean shit when Connor Shaw has the second highest QB Rating with nine pass attempts. But whatever. Cassel has looked good, actually, and now the Vikings find themselves in a luxury position. QUARTERBACKS?! WHAT AM I TO DO WITH ALL THESE GREAT QUARTERBACKS ON THE ROSTER??!

hold all these gifs

It’s a good problem to have. Maybe we’ll get more answers this weekend.

kansas city bbq

KANSAS CITY STUFF

I’m thinking about heading down to Kansas City sometime this fall. Would that be fun? I was only there once before when I was super young and not able to drink myself blind or go to strip clubs that held farm fed girls. I mean, I totally want to go there and eat the BBQ, but I’m a Texas BBQ fan. I feel like if I eat KC BBQ I will just want to shit all over their over sauced garbage. Is that true? Or should I go anyway? If I do go, where should I go? What should I do? Do I really want to watch Alex Smith play a dumpy football game or should I take that money and put it in a G-String instead? Your thoughts in the comments.

cordarrelle patterson bears 2013

OFFENSE BONERS

The third preseason game is allegedly the game where fans “really” get to see what the team is all about this year. The starts play like a game and a fifth, and we are suppose to think this is completely tell tale of how the entire squad will do in 2014. That is – of course – categorically bullshit, but let’s say it’s not! If this game dictates their performance for the year, who do we want to see have a big game?

CORDARRELLE PATTERSON: Cordarrelle admittedly said he hasn’t had a great game yet this preseason and has vowed to change that against the Chiefs. Will he? I’d love to see him catch a bomber down the sidelines, or a little swing pass with some sick balls yards after catch. Prove you’re a stud receiver, just to get it over with.

KYLE RUDOLPH: He already had a kick ass catch and run last week for a score, and it’s largely what I expect of Rudolph all season. So let’s show people that game two wasn’t a fluke, and put up some more big numbers. Or at least one more big play, if the coaches decide not to get all arm-excited about everything.

A RUNNING BACK: Just a running back. Any running back. I want to see one of those guys show a slick cut back, a juke move that breaks someone’s hip bones, anything like that. Whether it’s Asiata, McKinnon, Banyard … One of those guys needs to show they deserve to be one of the three on the roster and dominate late in the game.

everson griffen raiders 2014

DEFENSE BONERS

And what about the defense? They started looking even better last week against the Cardinals, and I would appreciate – as a suffering fan – for Zimmer’s boys to prove it wasn’t just a fluke. So what do we need from the starters in order to decide the defense is going to be legit this year?

EVERSON GRIFFEN: Griffen has had flashes again this preseason to indicate he may be the Jared Allen replacement stud we’re all hoping for, but he hasn’t shown enough. Problem? He’s playing in a shirt. Solution? Take your shirt off. Or, just get a sack in this next game and I’ll feel better.

ANTHONY BARR: I watched Barr specifically last game because I wanted to pretend I’m a smart football person. I didn’t see anything. I don’t know what that means. He looked kind of timid playing, but more so like he was just doing what the coaches asked. I can’t wait for the light to really turn on for him and he can run wild. Will we get a sense of that in KC? I hope so.

OH MY GOD, ANY CORNERBACK: Yeah … I still don’t feel good about any of the cornerbacks yet. Rhodes has looked decent, showing a propensity to track the ball while playing defense. But everyone else? Missed tackles, short guys, flailing … Play better, dammit.

awkward seal meme

MEME OF THE WEEK

Floating around recently has been this “Awkward Seal” meme. It’s important to understand the difference between Awkward Seal and other socially inept memes. The Seal is reflective of an awkward moment that you are largely out of control of and have to suffer through, therefore, you make an awkward seal face like the above. There are many great examples out there, but I like the one I made above, because, ew.

glengoyne 10 scotch

SCOTCH OF THE WEEK

Since we’re still not even in the football season yet, and we have to put up with hot, shitty, muggy weather like we do in the Twin Cities today, I’ll recommend another lighter, more floral scotch that is perfect to drown yourself in during the August months. The Glengoyne 10 year scotch is one to consider. It’s clean and dry, unlike your balloon knot, and has a strong bourbon influence that is barely rich, so it’s ideal for your American sensibilities. Also, who doesn’t love bourbon? If you don’t, then GTFO.

adrian peterson kansas city

HOT SAUCE PREDICTIONS

You know what? All my natural senses are telling me that I should not pick the Vikings to win this game. First game under new coach Mike Zimmer on the road? Seems like one you’d probably lose. But hey, Mike Zimmer also seems like he’s enough of a bad ass that he may go down to that sweat hole and plug them full. And why not? Why couldn’t our squad of third stringers kick their third stringers’ ass? I mean, we go three deep at quarterback, son! Ponder is going to come in and run that preseason shot to a win, worst case scenario. Best case scenario? Cassel and Bridgewater play a game of “Who can throw the most TD bombs” and we run away with it. Whatever. I say we take this game, too.

Enjoy. We’ll be around Saturday with a game thread in case you need to share any super insightful thoughts. Can’t wait!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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