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Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Week 1 Preview: 0-0

HIGH FIVE EVERYONE! WE DID IT!

Think. For another 140-some odd days, you won’t have to worry about not having football in your life. Instead of salivating over young men running around in yoga shorts, or scrutinizing how great our team looks when playing two hand touch with our second stringers, we actually get to play for some real stakes. Drama! Intrigue! Pressure! It’s like the male version of Revenge, or just like Revenge, because hey, sometimes men watch shows like that too, so shut up already. That’s coming back soon too, which is exciting …

Either way. Vikings football is back. Sunday actually means something. I don’t think we suck. Kind of exciting.

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HATE THY NEIGHBOR

So this week the Vikings start by playing the St. Louis Rams. Do you hate the St. Louis Rams? If you don’t, you should. They are a stupid team, that have been stuck in a stupid mire or stupidity, and no one should bother cheering for them. They are more bland than a Brad Childress coached squad of buttered toast squares and tap water. They don’t do anything exciting. They’re like the Minnesota Twins of football. Also, Sam Bradford? Just retire. When the season is up, and the Rams cut you, just retire and take your $50 Million. It was an awesome move of you, to get drafted first and basically never play a game in the NFL, but just fade into obscurity and life happy. I wouldn’t blame you at all. Invest your money, then move to LA, then buy the Rams, then move the Rams to LA. That would be hilarious.

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WEEKLY WORD TO THE WISE

Hey Vikings players: Don’t raise your hands up in celebration while in St. Louis. I don’t want any of you to get shot.

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RETURN OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR

Hey, remember Adrian Peterson? Purple Jesus? He’s returning to play in his first game of the year on Sunday. We finally get to see the best running back in the NFL hit the field again and tell all these other assholes to bench it. Oh, Jamaal Charles? You think you’re better than Adrian Peterson? You’re a fullback. Shut up. Lesean McCoy? I liked you better when you were called Darren Sproles. Purple Jesus is going to return after a long hiatus and show everyone why there are BLOGS named after him. Everyone else shut up.

MEME OF THE WEEK

We’re hitting the start of the NFL season HARD with the Dick Butt meme. If you are unfamiliar with Dick Butt, that doesn’t mean that you’re totally a heterosexual, so get over yourself. It just means you are missing out on one of the best, surprising memes around. I couldn’t find one in my 5 seconds of research that was football related, so the above will have to work. But if you find one, include it below.

ardberg airigh nam beistSCOTCH OF THE WEEK

Hey, summer time scotch: GTFO. It is September now, and all I am interested in is drinking heavier booze until I black out to forget Vikings losses. So how do we do this? By going for the Ardberg Airigh Nam Beist from 1990. I don’t even know how to pronounce this scotch, but it probably won’t matter after you’ve drank enough of it. Because you’ll be super drunk and slurring your words, you see. This guy will scald your balls. It’s a powerfully peaty scotch that offers enough of a honey edge that you forget you’re drinking ethanol. Which just kind of helps. Either way, this is now discontinued, but if you ever get the chance to drink some, do so.

fran tarkentonTARKENTON’S TAKE

Throughout the season, former Vikings quarterback Fran Tarkenton will stop by to offer his take on the week’s games, particularly, which players to watch on each team that will make the greatest impact. Welcome him and his zany antics!

“Between the Rams and the Vikings, my former team, you need to watch two players, players who play football. The first is Kyle Rudolph, a dynamic tight end that is changing the way the game is player, but needs show better discipline by respecting me more. The other player is Head Coach Jeff Fisher of the Rams, who doesn’t return my midnight phone calls. He is a dangerous man.”

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SENSIBLE PREDICTIONS

So how does Mike Zimmer start off his Vikings tenure? It’s hard to imagine that he DOESN’T win, right? I mean, the Vikings were kind of gifted an early season victory when Sam Bradford went down late in the preseason for the Rams, and they were forced to move Shaun Hill into the starting line up. That can’t be a positive, anyway you slice it. On the other hand, if the Vikings offense isn’t up to snuff, they may have a hard time moving against the Rams stout defense. They’re stout because they’re filled with white players!

Regardless, I think Peterson is too much, Cassel simply doesn’t suck, and the Rams offense sputters. The Vikings SHOULD win this game, I guess, but it will still be close as early season jitters are worked out.

Enjoy the game, folks. Tell me about all your feels later on.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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