After a titillating season where the home town squad responded the the ecstatic rah-rahs of the crowd, pumped themselves up and represented the state of Minnesota to their fullest ability, facing their opponents without fear or concern, hammering the other teams with fierce determination that would make old, fat Helga the proudest blonde Scandinavian this side of the Atlantic Ocean, the Minnesota Vikings decided to move out of their stadium, into a college team's stadium which holds 12,000 seats less than the NFL team stadium, and then also went ahead and raised the ticket price.
"It was a tough decision, but we needed to make money because the public only agreed to pay half of this billion dollar Playboy mansion," said some representative from the team who sleeps on a pile of newly printed currency, with hookers breasts for pillows, "but we have to keep the product viable on the field, even if that means going 5-10-1 again and disappointing fans stupendously for the third time in four years."
But less seats at a higher price isn't the only benefit Vikings fans will see with this new seating arrangement at TCF Bank Stadium, while the newest Metrodome 2.0 is being built on the demolished Metrodome 1.0 site. Fans will also gain access to:
- Better food! No more salty wiener Dome Dogs. Instead, you can pay $15 for two chicken tenders!
- More restrooms! You'll be back to your seat in record time, so as to not miss another Vikings three-and-out.
- Unobstructed views! Because there were those 12 seats in the Metrodome – out of 62,000 – where someone sat behind a pillar and was rewarded by not having to see a Ponder interception.
- A potentially improved team! But potentially not!
- No more 50 yard line seats, as the seats on the 50 yard line at TCF Bank Stadium are actually an aisle. But the upper level seats are *cantilevered* to provided more sweeping views of the field!
- Less luxury suites, down to 38 from 60 in the Metrodome! So now the rich people who can actually help pay for the new stadium won't!
- Options to spend more money on seat-back rentals for benches you pay for that don't have back support!
- Classic, outdoor football, in rain, snow, wind, and freezing temperatures from September through December, because it's Minnesota, duh!
What's not to love, right?!
The price updates were apparently a necessary change, as the Vikings will be looking to hire a new coach (Who will need more money) and sign new free agents, because our beloved team is so full of holes, you could throw a pound's worth of kittens through them.
Enjoy the games, folks!