With real football activities beginning again in a week, it was nigh time for that ATTENTION WHORE Chris Kluwe to come back into the Vikings spotlight, stealing the conversation away from real football activities to his own selfish causes. Like sticking up for basic human rights for all people. And demanding respect. YOU’RE SO SELFISH KLUWE, GAWD!
A dick joking blog isn’t exactly the best place to go over all the details of this whole he-said, he-barfed shenanigans, but as I stated months ago when Kluwe first accused Vikings special teams coach Mike Priefer and the entire Vikings organization for fostering an environment where public and graphic homophobic remarks are not disciplined … Ya gonna look bad, Vikings. And so they did.
After months of an “intense” and “independent” investigation into Kluwe’s allegations by the Vikings, it was announced this week that all the research was complete and everything was pretty much wrapped up. Which is great news! Now we get to find out who is right and who is wrong! Haha, just kidding. You see, when you’re dealing with lawyers who manage a billion dollar NFL investment, they get to pull things like, “NOOOOO, we said we wouldn’t NOT deliver the report findings EVENTUALLY, but we are still having meetings about things and not reporting yet, because reports.”
…. Uh, so basically, the report is done, sources seem to think Kluwe is probably more right than he is wrong, and with the Vikings not releasing their findings to Kluwe or the public, they kind of look like hate-mongering assholes. I mean, they ARE Vikings, so I guess I don’t know what people expected. More rape, less homophobia? I dunno.
But here’s the REAL kicker; it’s not that the Vikings won’t release the report to Kluwe, it’s just that they already DID release the report to the public, but just in places that Kluwe would never find them, places that Kluwe will never have access to again. Never find them? Really? Kluwe is a smart guy. I’m sure he’d be able to track them down, you’re probably thinking to yourself. But that’s not the case. Thanks to Purple Jesus Diaries’ sources, we’ve been able to locate where this report has been scattered around the globe, torn and disseminated into 20 different pieces and locations, where you will only be able to discover the official report results by collecting them all. Here is where they can be found:
- At an Rush Limbaugh book signing.
- Inside Megyn Kelly’s panty drawer
- Taped to the removable bottom of Kluwe’s former locker at Winter Park
- Folded neatly into a manpon in Matt Birk’s butt crack
- Framed and hanging in Marcus Bachmann’s Christian Counseling Center in St. Paul
- Under Sarah Palin’s cabin’s pillow
- Air dropped into North Korea
- Laid gently and openly in a Catholic church’s pew
- Guantánamo Bay, locked away from his prying eyes, unless you want to come and get it, asshole
- Sewn onto the back of Devin Hester’s jersey
- At the corporate offices of Chick-fil-A in Atlanta, Georgia
- In a gym, you f*cking nerd
- Displayed proudly next to the original original Star-Spangled Banner flag from the War of 1812 in the Smithsonian’s National Museum of American History in Washington, D.C., you Commie
- Taped under a seat at a Michael Bay “Transformer’s” movie
- Buried at the 50 yard line of an NFL football stadium
- At the 2014 National Rifle Association’s Annual Meeting in Indianapolis, IN
- On tour with a REAL band
- Under a hot chick’s boob, since Kluwe love’s dudes
- On the Amazon’s “Best Seller’s” books list, BOOM, ROASTED
- Hanging on a rack at a shirt store. Every try wearing one of those, Kluwe? Jesus.
Once gathered, what will the report say? Was Kluwe right in his allegations of Priefer? Did the Vikings staff really cover the whole thing up? Are Minnesotans a bunch of homophobics? Will Chris Kluwe ever have his number retired? It’ll be an interesting development to see what happens here, but as I stated months ago, the Vikings still look like hell in all this. Much like their team the last three years. Nice work, guys.