letroy guion

What Secrets Will Letroy Guion Tell the Packers?

Letroy Guion Packers

For years, the trend has always been to migrate west. Lewis and Clark did it, and so did Darren Sharper, Ryan Longwell, Desmond Bishop, Brett Favre, and others, who moved from the choad of America, Green Bay, Wisconsin, to Minnesota to play with the Minnesota Vikings.

However, with one single move, the Packers have flipped the script and brought a former purple person over to the Green and Gold as the Packers signed Letroy Guion, former Vikings defensive tackle.

It's a shrewd move in free agency, made by a team that usually plays this period of the NFL like toddler sharing his Christmas toys, but it's pretty obvious what's going on here: The Packers are trying to get some sensitive, franchise-exclusive information on the Vikings out of Letroy Guion. Well, it isn't going to work, because THESE are the types of secrets he knows:

To preface, I think we all know that Guion isn't really THAT great of a player. Losing him to the Packers, or the Bears, or the Argonauts, or the Roseville Raiders wouldn't really be that big of a deal. But the Packers apparently think Guion is worthwhile enough to sign him. Of course, they aren't exactly signing him for his talent he brings on the field. Scouts from here to the moon all know Guion isn't the brightest bulb in the broom closet, and that if you ask him to run complex defensive sets he'll get a little screwy. So you're going to take him from a 4-3 Cover 2 defense and insert him as a rush end in a 3-4 Dom Capers defense? Sounds like a brilliant signing.

Of course, all they really want out of him between now and when they cut him in training camp is to tell them the secrets he knows about the Vikings. Unfortunately for them, he doesn't know much:

When asked, "What are the closest guarded defensive plays the Vikings have run in recent years?", Guion allegedly answered:

They like to call the play called "All Guions Off Field" where I would run from the bench to the sidelines with my helmet under my arm, and cheer really loud as I watched our defense give up a big play. Then I would sit back down for the half.

When asked, "What is the Vikings nutrition plan in the locker room like?", Guion allegedly answered:

Oh man, I never ate their stuff. It was always like pasta, and salad, and dog food, and cucumbers, and whatever, so I just brought 3 Chipotle burritos with the spicy salsa, which my nutritionist said was fine for me, but bad for my locker neighbors. LOL! My nutritionist is also myself.

When asked, "What does Adrian Peterson REALLY say about Aaron Rodgers in practice?", Guion allegedly answered:

He says he thinks he's the greatest quarterback in the NFL currently, doesn't really care that he's a total big gay, and is disappointed every time they play against each other that he was stuck with a crap team like the Vikings and not on a team with Aaron Rodgers …. GUYS, I'M JOKING!! HAHA!

When asked "What are new Coach Mike Zimmer's tells when he starts getting nervous?", Guion allegedly answered:

It's real weird, man. Zimmer doesn't really have a tell, so much, as you just get really cold inside when you know you've messed up and he's caught you. I don't know if that means he's also nervous or not, because he knows he's going to have to take a piece of your soul now, but it's like standing in a walk in freezer looking for ice cream sandwiches for a long time. That's how Coach Zim makes you feel. That's why I left, because he made me feel like that for being an idiot ALL the time!

When asked "If we signed you to a contract, will you stop lying and tell us the true answer to these questions?", Guion allegedly answered:

Stop lyi …. Uh … Yeah, yeah … Give me that contract and I'll give you SO many truths, so many answers. …. yesss …

Best of luck, Packers!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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