It’s that time of year, ladies and creepers, where we all get our dirtiest pair of sweatpants out of the back of the closet, a pocket bottle of Lubriderm and a full roll of paper towels and head on down to the Winter Park Field House in Eden Prairie to
fap judge critically new potential Minnesota Vikings Cheerleaders! Rest assured, my oggling compatriots, despite the labor situation with the NFL cock faced owners and the NFL shit pants players, there will still be cheerleaders for the 2011 – 2012 season. Thank god for that.
Whether you’re watching try-outs live (Honestly, I don’t even know if that’s an option) or just browsing videos at home with one hand on your mouse later that night, Purple Jesus Diaries has compiled a list of CRITICAL criteria that these cheerleader hopefuls will be graded on during this try-out session. DON’T FUCK THIS UP, SEXY LADIES.
1. How well can you push your chest out towards the upper deck in a stadium? This skill is severely underlooked when past hopefuls have tried out. The truth of the matter is that more than half of attendees at a football game sit in a second or third tiered part of the stadium and rarely, if ever, find a chance to stare and breasts up close. A good cheerleader will have done her research, recognized this stat, and accommodate these patrons by excessively displaying her goods to the lowest paying customers sitting the furthest away.
2. How amazing can you make your ass look in unattractive faux-leather boy shorts? A skill adopted recently by man NBA dancers, the boy shorts which have made their way into the required wardrobe of many NFL cheerleaders often becomes a double edged sword. On one hand, holy shit their ass is like hanging out and fuck yeah, but on the other, my god they really do nothing for a woman’s behind. Can you wear them and somehow make your flesh pillow more attractive than the girl with the flat white person ass next to you? You’re hired!
3. Have you perfected the most basic of dance moves? Most cheerleaders become cheerleaders because they have a love and history of professional dance or gymnastics (I just made all of that up, but it seems plausible). This is misguided, however, as most cheerleaders are not actually required to dance, but really just kind of throw their arms around like they fell asleep on you. Oh sure, you may have to line dance twice in three hours, and there may be one or two moves that KIND OF look lie dancing, but if you just move through it really fast no one will actually know if you fuck it up. If you can perfect just the most basic of moves, you’re in.
4. Can you touch your elbows behind your back? Well, have you even tried? Then do so now. Keep trying …. Oh! You almost got it! Go home, practice it in front of a mirror with various bras, tank tops, and swim wear on, with a camera recording the event, then bring it back to us pronto. THIS IS A CRITICAL FUCKING SKILL SO JUST TRUST ME OK.
5. Do you freak out when VIKTOR the VIKING tries to do coke off your tits? Me too, and it’s usually in the showers after the game. If you’re uncomfortable with this too, then you’re OK by me.
6. Do you wish to potentially be impregnated by an athlete? Because that won’t happen here. There isn’t a Minnesota Vikings on this squad who knows how to score.
7. Applicants must have graduated high school or have a GED equivalent. This is just to ensure that you’re not a fucking moron who is going to run out on the field mid-play during a game some time and get trampled. We don’t give you health insurance, and although you bet your ass you’ll be signing a waiver, if you can’t even pass fucking high school in this state there are no guarantees in your life. Also, you might just be retarded, and the last thing we want is a retarded cheerleader. The Packers have that niche on lock-down, and we can’t step on any toes.
8. Must be a college student who is or could have been in a sorority, career woman in like a health club or something, or a mother/homemaker who hasn’t had any kids yet. We can’t say this legally, but these qualifications help us to ensure our cheerleaders will obtain maximum interest from our fans because … you’re … really smart.
9. Must be willing to go on military tours. Yeah, it might be in dangerous areas, but it’s not like terrorists are going to shoot YOU. They hate America BECAUSE you’re so hot. They’ll probably just kidnap you and have sexual relations with your mouth, dead or alive.
10. Most importantly, no upper lip hair. We’re hiring cheerleaders, not fucking carnies. This isn’t St. Louis.
If you see any ladies during your “research”, let us know! Hopefully we’ll get a nice, respectable crop of fem-bots on the cheerleading squad this year. The Vikings have represented rather weakly of late. Not even Brett Favre was shooting dick picks to the cheerleaders, so that says something. The only hope I have is that since the economy is so bad for recent graduates that all the unemployed hot pants from the UoM will give this a shot for a year. Yeah, recessions!
Also, does anyone actually KNOW a current or former Minnesota Vikings Cheerleader? We’ve been trying to get an interview with one for like three years and nothing ever happens, partially because I didn’t really create a plan for it. However, if you DO know one personally, let us know by e-mail or comment. I guess I don’t really care.