Purple Jesus Diaries’ Game One Review: 39 Yards of Awesomeness

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We are going to be a powerhouse! So how happy are you? We waited all summer long, all through the lockout, fretting and worry that there wouldn’t be football and that we’d miss out on the possibility of the Vikings getting to the playoffs, maybe even heading to a Super Bowl on some magical run that famous quarterback Donovan McNabb would take us on … and then it’s here. Football! The first football Sunday of the year! And the Vikings treat us well, to the tune of 187 total yards with 28 …. TWENTY EIGHT … of those counting through the air (McD threw for 39, but, sacks and shit), 10 offensive points and a 17-24 loss after a 17-7 lead. OUTSTANDING, FOOTBALL!

This sucks, this team sucks, football sucks, and I hate the NFL. But I’m feeling pretty good about next Sunday and fa sho will watch!

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Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: This loss to the Chargers on Sunday sits on several people’s shoulders. A lot of it is on the coaching staff for making Brad Childress-esque adjustments at halftime (See: none) allowing us to really put the pressure on the Chargers in the second half with zero points. Cool stuff. But despite all that, Letroy Guion definitely takes the cake with his two never-before-seen encroachment penalties on back to back plays, essentially running the clock on the Vikings and any opportunity they had to score. What the hell. How does that even happen? Don’t you figure, especially lined up over center, that after you make one retard play that screws your team you’d be like, “OK, OK, I’m totally not going to be that guy again, not this time! Robison, you can go offsides, not me! Evans, I’m out, you do that instead!” And of course Evans did then, so don’t think he won’t. Regardless, I have a great feeling that those last three plays are going to end up defining the Vikings season this year. Hurray for that. Idiots.

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Defense – Unimpressive: While a lot of this should get put on the coaching staff for continually calling blitzes that aren’t getting to the quarterback and for completely ignoring any defensive calls that are going to cover a running back in the flats, we must also remember that our team is just not very talented. Period. Winfield looked great again today, like usual, #69 showed some sparks that reminded you why we traded first round picks for him, but that was really about it. For some reason Tyrell Johnson was on the field for an extended period of time (might as well write “LOSS” into the column with pen!) and everyone else was playing like garbage. I also have pretty high concerns about Greenway. He’s slow, white, and does lots of little things nice and dandy but nothing great. That doesn’t really help us, it just hurts us, slowly. I was initially glad we signed him to a big contract but the more I think about it the more I think it just bleeds us slow. Hoping to see more out of him soon.

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Offense – Amazingly languid: And this offense … good lord. I’d rather watch Lee Corso and a naked Erin Andrews (clearly a NSFW link) have sex through a keyhole then this unit take the field again. It just makes me sick, not really for myself or anything, but for Purple Jesus who got tempted by large dollar signs and (thankfully) too the contract extension over the weekend. But Jesus … this is the type of offense he gets to work with for the next seven years? Are you shitting me? Zero offensive line push, no legitimate threat at receiver, a quarterback who frequently enjoys throwing the football into the dirt … What have we done. WHAT MONSTER HAVE WE WRAUGHT??! And Musgrave? Thanks for reminding me of what Childress’ offense looked like. Also, it’s not “tricky” or “original” if you bring in Joe Webb to run a wildcat play when everyone knows that’s all he’s used for. And for people calling for Ponder or Webb to step in instead of McDonovan? Shut up. This game would have been an abortion with either of those two back there. If anything, blame our receivers who can’t catch a ball when it hits their hands on a deep route. DAMN THIS TEAM!

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Percy Harvin – You’re cool: However, Percy Harvin is pretty cool. His kick return was total hypeness and foolishly got me excited. In fact, his kick return was so amazing, he didn’t just go ahead and “break some ankles” while he was running it back … no … he went and tore the Chargers kick off specialist, Nate Kaeding, ACL juking the hell out of him on that return. “Oh, no big deal, bro, just snapping ligaments and shit.” What a stud. Why the coaching staff didn’t put him back out there for the rest of the game – or even at least once more – on kickoffs is something I do not understand. What, were you saving him for a 2-yard gain on an end around? Was that your master plan? Harvin is a badass, and there was a nice moment I saw on the sidelines between him and Purple Jesus where they were butting heads together in congratulations of their unmeasurable fantasticness and it made me warm inside. I enjoy the idea of these two potentially being on the same team for many more years, if for no other reason than I have a couple of people who I can actually, unabashedly, cheer for and not feel like a complete heel. Honestly, at this point I’ll take anything.

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The worst team in the North! Think about that. I mean, we already all knew we were the worst team in the NFC North after last season, where we literally finished as the worst team in the NFC North … but already – after only one week in a new NFL season, even! – the Vikings are right back as the worst team in this division. The Packers pimp slapped the Saints last Thursday night, the Bears donkey punched the Falcons in typical Bears fashion of “How did they actually win that game?”, and the Lions pulled out a gritty win on the road against a young up and coming team. Would we have won against any of those opponents? I say no. Not a chance. And that’s why we’re 0-1, lying on our backs like a slutty grad student paying her way through school, while the other three teams in the division take turns filling our holes with win, after win after win. Gross, but, true.

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Monday morning jamz: I feel bad just leaving you with a crappy and depressing game review. So since the Vikings can’t bring you any joy, why not listen to a little bit of Was(Not Was) and “Walk the Dinosaur.” That should help things out. “Boom, boom acka-lacka-lacka boom!” Love this song.

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A losing haiku for a losing season:

“Dear God, Purple Dad,
If we lose, perish, or die,
At least get me paid!”

Thanks for watching a crappy game, folks! I apologize for the lack of Tweeting during the game but my Comcast service is more reliable than that dude in college who borrowed your XBox for the weekend and never gave it back. I still was able to capture most of your good responses, so we’ll be back tomorrow with more Tweets O’ The Game. On the plus side, enjoy the fact that Purple Jesus signed his monster extension and that, if anything, watching football is still better then getting a needle in your penis. *Food for thought*

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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