Each NFL draft pick brings their own unique set of skills, talents, and positives to a new team. When Purple Jesus joined the Vikings, he brought legitimate star power and dynamic running ability. Percy Harvin? TONS of weed and blazing speed. Shirtless Ponder? A world without shirts. See? This game is easy.
So when he question is raised about what exactly it is that THIS year’s batch of rookies brings to the Minnesota Vikings, for Matt Kalil, the answer is pretty obvious: Elite blindside blocking ability. Oh, and a super attractive family. We present, Cheryl Kalil.
Cheryl Kalil (Formerly Cheryl Vancleave … VanCLEAVAGE is more like it, amirite?!) is a Miss California from 1981. Do you know what that means? It means that the new Minnesota Vikings draft pick is of royal lineage. That’s good. Royalty is for winners, and if there is anything this team could use more of is people who come from winning blood. Now, don’t start asking me about the differences between Miss California, Miss California USA, Miss California Teen USA Intrepid Dawg, or anything else, because I don’t know. I’m no beauty pageant expert, which I know is hard to believe, but I do know when someone is attractive, and Cheryl, my good sirs and ma’ams, is attractive. In fact, I would argue that she has aged even better than when she was crowned in 1981, although without extensive shots from that year it’s hard to make a proper comparison.
What I CAN tell you is that she honestly looked great in her red dress on draft night, and she should be commended for that. Good for you Cheryl. Good for you. You looked awesome. Be proud of that, really. My rough estimate puts Cheryl at somewhere around 50 years old, which is amazing. Frankly, I hope I’M looking as solid as she is when I’m 50. That would be fantastic. As is, I think we at least have one thing that we can brag about to NFC North competitors for a little while now. Brian Urlacher may have STDs from Paris Hilton, Aaron Rodgers still probably dates linebackers with long hair, and MC Stafford may have a busty bimbo girlfriend, but WE have Miss California 1981! IN YOUR FACE!!
All I know is that playing “Where’s Waldo?” with her in the stands at the Metrodome is going to be a lot more enjoyable than accidentally finding Deanna Favre. Those two years were the WORST.
And as a bonus, here’s a link to a video from Matt Kalil’s sister, Danielle Kalil, who apparently is a singer trying out for an Oil of Olay skin care product casting call contest or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention because, while she’s cute, let’s be honest here. She’s no Cheryl. And the only reason I’m linking to this is to catch the briefest of glimpse of Mom.
COUGAR TOWN 4EVA!
And one more. Getting them toe nails done. BOOM.